


Never Enough

by Emrys_Aaryn



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Infertility, Metahuman Reader, Miscommunication, Mutant Powers, Mutant Reader, Recovery, Suicide Attempt, To Read
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:48:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 25,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26409763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emrys_Aaryn/pseuds/Emrys_Aaryn
Summary: Enhanced!Reader is brought into the Avengers by Steve. One thing leads to another, and she and Bucky end up together. But happy endings with love, marriage and a baby carriage aren't for everyone.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 54
Kudos: 74





	1. Never Enough

**Author's Note:**

> There are hints of depression, suicidal thoughts/actions, hospitalization and other various "darker" themes. If you will be bothered or triggered by said content, I recommend you don't read, or at least read in short bursts or with someone else.   
> Remember, you are more than loved in this life; you are needed. The world is worse off without you.

It took a lot for Y/N to get over her insecurities and believe Bucky was truly into her despite Steve, Wanda and Sam telling her time and time again. For the most part she had succeeded, and while they were taking things slow; fantasies for the future were blooming. Bucky himself was still an old-time man with ideals from the forties.

One thing he and Y/N had brushed across was children, and while he was by no means pressuring her, he had commented how he still wanted a kid or two despite everything he had been through. Y/N had various health issues before the incident that triggered her enhancement and had never thought about children or a family, but with Bucky she found herself entertaining the idea more often than not. All of these hopes, fantasies and ideas would come crashing down after a particular visit with the team doctor.

Y/N had forgone birth control for almost six months, but she didn’t mention anything to Bucky because the pressure could affect their odds. They were “trying” but didn’t want to make it a big thing. When a few months had passed with no results Y/N went to Dr. Brantsted. She ordered some blood tests, examined Y/N’s uterus and ovaries for lesions or other problems and had her track her ovulation. Results? Y/N wasn’t ovulating, and without the release of the egg there was no point because nothing would be fertilized to start with. Dr. Brantsted said her odds were almost zero because the problem was in her brain, and was most likely caused in the electroshock that sparked her enhancement.

Now here Y/N was; sitting curved around the arm of the couch in the team den, trying to decide what to do. After everything, she was right. She really wasn’t good enough for anyone, let alone a God-send like James Buchanan Barnes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bucky had been enchanted by Y/N since their first meeting when Steve introduced the two and he tried to shake her hand while she tried to “fist bump”. Awkwardness swelled as Y/N said, “Heh. Turkey.” Then went as red as one of Tony’s fresh suits. After she clumsily saluted him, and scurried off he wouldn’t see her for another week between more introductions, training, getting used to the complex and drowning in night terrors.

Their second meeting went much better despite it being almost three in the morning. Another warped memory-nightmare woke Bucky in a cold sweat and there would be no chance of more sleep. So, he walked to the den and saw Y/N there already with a hot chai tea clutched in both hands and a ratty blanket pooled around her from where it dropped from her shoulders as the tea worked its magic.

Knowing he had issues with accidentally walking too softly and scaring other team members (Sam) Bucky made sure to make a grumbling cough sound as he entered the room, and said “Doesn’t chai have caffeine?”

But it seemed like Y/N already knew someone was coming and didn’t appear too surprised to find out it was Bucky as she breathed a light laugh into her cup. “Didn’t plan on going back to sleep anyway.” As she looked up at him and noted his surprise at not startling her she continued, “I could feel someone coming. As you got to the door I could tell it was you.”

“How? I’ve been told I’m ‘Too silent for mine and everyone’s good.’”

That brought a snort as Y/N questioned, “Sam?” At Bucky’s nod she decided to fill him in, “My enhancement has to do with electricity. I’m still pretty fresh on learning about it, but everyone has their own little charge. Then there’s you, Tony and Banner. The arm, the reactor and the gamma register differently to me. So, no sneaking for you sergeant.” The last bit was said with a smirk that disappeared behind the star covered coffee mug as Y/N took a big drink of her tea. Then their eyes met again as she pat the couch and turned on the t.v. “Always room, Buck.”

And Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes knew; she would be his new “Until the end of the line.”


	2. Never Enough: Better Than Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things have been dark for Y/N with Bucky gone. Too much time to think.

For two days after the dreaded doctors’ appointment Y/N was a mess.

Luckily, there was no one at the complex to witness her spiral because the rest went on a mission. Y/N was told to sit this one out because the base they were trying to breach was in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and while her electricity had no effect on her and most of the team could survive if anything happened, some wouldn’t. It wasn’t worth the risk, and that was a fair assessment.

However, this mutated in Y/N’s head. **She wasn’t helpful to her team. She would endanger them. She could, and probably would, hurt them. Him.**

“No. No, no, no.” she whispered to herself as she curled tighter in the oversized chair in the den.

But it was too late. The spiral was happening. Typically Bucky and Y/N helped each other out of these dark times when the dreams and thoughts ran rampant and tried to ruin everything good. Y/N thought to herself, _“What would Buck say to do? Yes. Distract myself. Think of something better.”_

She closed her eyes and thought back around eight months ago. Rounding the corner intent on a midnight snack and to see if she could find her boyfriend scouting out the fridge; she stopped dead when she realized Bucky and Steve were talking intently at the dinner table. Y/N had never been able to resist a good eavesdrop and had vowed to try better to mind her own business in the future.

Today would not be that day. 

“I don’t know pal,” Bucky said, and while the sigh would have worried Y/N; she could hear the smile in his voice as he went on. “I- I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this. How I feel about our friendship, you and me, but so much more.”

“That’s great.” Steve encouraged, and continued on with the question, “But there is something else?”

“Not about her; not really.” Whispered Bucky with a hand sliding down his face. “Just what if- What if I’m the only one who feels this way. What if she doesn’t want the picket fence and cheesy holidays and, and kids and all that; with me?”

That was when Y/N decided they would try. She propositioned it as more of a whatever happens, happens situation, and they were having fun. For awhile she forgot why they had began messing around like a pair of spring bunnies, and everything was great.

Y/N’s thoughts began darkening again as she tunneled back to why she was caved in on herself in the den chair. Each month went by with no sign of a growing life, so she looked for at home remedies, something to give a boost; a leg up. Each month nothing worked, and that is what took her to see the team doctor.

Now she was fully grounded back to the despair and heartbreak.

She knew, she heard him. Kids. He was going to want children to go with this life they shared, and now she knew those children wouldn’t come from her. If she told him, he would pretend it was fine, but she knew him better than almost anyone and she would see that disappointment everyday. He wouldn’t leave her; he was too good. Y/N was going to have to let him go. If she said she wanted to break up he would ask why or think he did something wrong or there was something wrong with him. That self deprecating darkness would take over everything he had worked hard to mend. No. Anything would hurt, but she could rip the bandaid. Hurt now, for an instant but he would grow and be everything good and light.

She would be the bad guy; for him.

As Y/N saw it, she was the bad guy in this story anyway. Right as she made the decision Y/N heard the commotion of everyone returning from their mission. Safe and sound and happy. Y/N closed her eyes and breathed in this moment with a light smile because it may be the last one for her. As their rustling got louder Y/N’s smile dropped, and she lowered her head back down with eyes on the floor to steel herself for what was coming next.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Any other time he and Y/N were on separate missions, or one went while the other stayed, they were quick to find one another when they got home.

So as the team entered the compound like a herd of elephants, and there was no sign of Y/N, Bucky began to feel uneasy. He wasn’t oblivious; he knew something had been up for awhile when, every few weeks, Y/N would be in a funk for a couple days. But the cloudy disposition would fade and Y/N never made any sign she wanted to talk; he assumed it was a woman-thing or extremely personal. They talked about their inner-darkness and demons. He assumed she would talk eventually; **when she was ready.**

Bucky was about to head to their shared quarters when he heard a faint rustle coming from the den and changed course. He found Y/N slumped in the den’s oversized chair looking down at the floor. As he went to reach for her feet to lift them so he could share the smaller space Y/N looked up slightly and stretched out to take up the remaining space.

He stopped dead as his light smile dropped into a frown and his eyebrows furled, “Darlin’, what--”

Y/N cut him off with, “We need to talk. . . James.”

She almost never called him James, and now he was more concerned than anything. Bucky sat down on the small stone coffee table facing Y/N and reaching out for her hands. But as he leant forward Y/N inched back just enough to notice and keep out of his reach. When he opened his mouth, ready to launch his question; Y/N tried to interrupt him. “Are you okay?” he pushed on.

Y/N lowered her eyes back to the floor, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

“What?” He said louder than he intended, and rushed on with, “That’s it? You just throw in the towel and it’s over?” The growing volume had drawn the other team members who had never heard the couple really even disagree, let alone fight.

As they walked in everyone saw Y/N looking up at tense Bucky through her eyelashes. “I cheated on you.”

Bucky had drawn a breath to ask why as he was cut off with her confession, and the deep breath stuttered out as he seemed to cave in on himself, turn towards the team in the doorway and rush out through the door into the treeline around the compound.

Now Y/N was left with the team looking at her as if she had stabbed one of them.

**I suppose I have; she thought. And now they see me for what I am. The bad guy**.


	3. Never Enough: Happier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What goes up. . . Amirite? AND extremely disappointed Steve.

I think that we both know the way that this story ends

Then only for a minute I want to change my mind

'Cause this just don't feel right to me

I wanna raise your spirits I want to see you smile

but Know that means I'll have to leave

Know that means I'll have to leave

Lately, I've been, I've been thinking I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier

♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve, like the rest of the team , wasn’t sure what exactly was going on when he heard Bucky’s raised voice; but as he leaned against the door frame outside the den he heard Y/N’s words and the near-deafening silence that followed. Before he could process what Y/N said Bucky was pushing past him and Sam with brief eye contact with Natasha as he fled out the door and into the surrounding woods.

He was torn. Bucky was his friend from before any and all of this ever came to be, but in the time he lost Buck and when he finally came back after time in Wakanda Steve had been the one to find Y/N and bring her into the fold. After different thoughts and considerations flew through his head he decided to go to Y/N and find out what was going on. Buck would be too distressed to talk right now anyway.

With his decision made Steve looked to Nat and Sam with a silent order; find Bucky. They both nodded and turned heel to track the late Winter Soldier. . . again.

\-------- --------

“Y/N, hey.” Steve said in a light voice as if he were trying to win over a wounded animal, and as she made eye contact Y/N began to sob.

It hit so hard she thought she’d choke. Her blood started pumping faster, making her light headed, as a panic attack set in. A fight or flight response to the questions and obvious judgement in Steve’s eyes. The piercing eyes with a furrowed brow was like a parent saying they weren’t mad; just disappointed, and she hated it but knew she couldn’t say anything to him or this was all for naught.

Steve made to reach out and try to comfort Y/N but thought better of it as he saw the light static shocks flittering around her, “Hey. Hey, hey, hey.” he started as he motioned for her to follow his breathing. “What happened? We were only gone for a few days. I’m here to listen-” he swallowed roughly. “-as a friend.”

Taking in large gulps of air, Y/N used this extra time to think of something to explain her fictional indiscretion. Her brain immediately went to something to lighten the fictitious blow, but reconsidered and knew she would have to make him hate her too. For Bucky. Because she wanted him to be happy, and he would be happier without her; eventually. “I- I was feeling like shit after not joining the mission,” Y/N started. The best lies are simple manipulations and omissions of the truth. “Like, I’m a burden or a danger to the team. Worthless at best, harmful at worst. . .”

As her explanation faded out a little and she looked to the floor Steve coughed a little in surprise. He hadn’t known she felt this way; **why didn’t she say something?**

“Usually it’s something Buck and I talk about,” she explained a little. “But he wasn’t here. He went on the mission, and I wasn’t needed. So, I went out to some bar, got too fucking drunk and you heard the rest.”

“Who?” Steve questioned.

“It’s called a one night stand Steve. I don’t know.” she mumbled defensively as she looked at his hairline to feign eye contact, but she watched as he resituated to interrogate her more, and went on. “I barely remember. That’s the point, but like-”

She tried to think of something her imaginary self would go for. “Dark hair. Dark eyes” But something that wasn’t Bucky, which is where her brain went. “Uh, green I think. Tattoos. . . everywhere. It was quick in his car, but I’d been thinking about seeing other people for a while. Should have told Buck, but I didn’t. Same outcome.”

The questioning, disappointed look had changed and contorted into disgust, and Steve swallowed hard before saying what Y/N knew was going to come sooner or later. “Maybe you should, uhm. Maybe you should stay in the old tower for a bit. The reconstruction has been done for some time and some distance will do everyone some good while we figure out where to go from this.”

“O-Okay.” Y/N’s voice cracked with the simple words, but she figured Steve thought she didn’t deserve to be the one crying.

_Maybe he was right. She didn’t do what she said she had done, but she still hurt him._

“What about-”

“I’ll let him know what we discussed,” Steve looked everywhere but at her. “And tell him. . . What you told me. Go pack up your necessities. I’ll have a company car come get you, and bring some of your other stuff once we figure out how long you’ll be away. Trust, Y/N, is hard to earn and so easy to lose. The team will have to talk about where we’ll go from here.”

“I understand.” Y/N whispered as she rose from the chair to go pack.

\--------- ---------

Sam and Nat weren’t back with Bucky yet when the car came for Y/N. Her instinct was to hug Steve goodbye, but thought better of it. She gave a faint wave, and then another to Wanda over Steve’s shoulder from the back of the sleek, black town car as it began to roll forward.

_**Time to head back into the city.** _


	4. Never Enough: What if

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's view.

_What if what I want makes you sad at me?_

_And is it all my fault or can I fix it, please?_

_Cause you know that I'm always all for you_

_Cause you know that I'm always all for you_

_And what if it makes you lose faith in me?_

_And what if makes you question Every moment you cannot see?_

_And what if it makes you crash And you can't find the key?_

_And what if it makes you ask How you could let it all go?_

_What if what I want makes you sad at me?_

_And is it all my fault or can I fix it, please?_

_Cause you know that I'm always all for you_

_Cause you know that I'm always all for you_

_Always all for you_

_And if this be our last conversation If this be the last time that we speak for awhile_

_Don't lose hope and don't let go_

_Cause you should know If it makes you sad, if it makes you sad at me_

_Then it’s all my fault and let me fix it please_

_Cause you know that I'm always all for you_

_Cause you know that I'm always all for you_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝_

**He had never felt this.**

A visceral combination of anger, and a sadness bordering on acceptance. As if he had been waiting for this to happen all this time.

_I cheated on you._

**She** just came out and said it right to his face? And with the audacity to look hurt; like **she** was the one who had her heart torn out through her back???

Bucky’s racing pulse kicked up a notch as he thought about it again. This loop of anger, injustice to sadness and melancholy kept pushing his legs as he ran through the woods surrounding the complex.

As an ex-assassin he typically was good at hiding his tracks, but not now. He wasn’t running from someone; he was running from confronting **her** and the emotions and the ' _what do we do now'_ s. No tree in his path stood a chance.

\---------------

A few miles back were Nat and Sam tracking his path at a more steady pace. Not that his path was hard to spot or follow; looking like a high-speed bulldozer had went on a solo deforestation mission.

“When we catch up to him is it going to be like the time with T’Challa?” questioned Natasha to Sam. “‘Cause I’m not feeling like being slammed around right now. Especially in a platonic way.”

“Images Nat. Images!” Whined Sam. “As for his anger, it isn’t Winter Soldier anger. This is Bucky Barnes anger. So, I have no idea- Hey.”

She had come to a dead stop behind nearly-toppled tree with her hand up in a stopping motion to Sam. As he looked to her she gestured to a bent figure.

Bucky was in the middle of a barren patch panting, with his hands on his knees and face scrunched up like he was in physical pain. Judging by the surrounding trees he may very well have been in a bit of pain, but the hoarse cries that had begun told a different tale.

“Soldat. . .” Nat said lightly as she approached him with both hands up in a surrender pose. “We- I-.”

When he heard her struggling, Sam tapped in. “Hey man, I know it hurts.”

A choking sound left the bigger man as he questioned the universe, “Why?”

This sound nearly broke both Sam and Nat, but it hit a bit harder for the female spy. As someone who had went through similar things she knew the real meaning of trust and the real pain of betrayal.

A buzzing in her vest pocket shocked Nat out of her loop of past hurt; it was a message from Steve.

> **Y/N is going to leave for awhile.**
> 
> **Stay at the NY complex.**
> 
> **We need to discuss as a team.**
> 
> **Get him back to the compound.**
> 
> **Please.**

While she knew this was a personal, and relationship matter; she also knew Steve was right. The team dynamic was shot to high-hell now, and they would need to discuss the future of everyone’s positions on the team.

After a bit more consoling from Sam to Bucky, they headed back to the compound.

\---------------------------------

When they breached the lighter ring of trees around the property Bucky finally looked up to see a black town car leaving the grounds. Closer to the building stood Steve and Wanda with hands faintly waving, and Bucky looked back at the car to see Y/N with her hand up to wave goodbye to the other two. Her sad face made his chest clench tightly as he looked back down to his feet ashamed of himself for still caring so much.

“Buck,” Steve softly called out as the trio got closer to Wanda and himself. “I know man. We have some things to discuss, but we need to talk over some Avenger things first.”

“Okay.” huffed Bucky as he looked into Steve’s eyes seeing something he couldn’t put his finger on at the moment. “Avenger things. Then you tell me what **she** said.”


	5. Never Enough: One Last Breath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Mentions of dark depression, attempted suicide, failed suicide**  
> Y/N was never enough before the enhancement. And it seems she has only become less and less.

_Please come now I think I'm falling_

_I'm holding on to all I think is safe_

_It seems I found the road to nowhere_

_And I'm trying to escape_

_I yelled back when I heard thunder_

_But I'm down to one last breath_

_And with it let me say, let me say_

_Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking_

_Maybe six feet ain't so far down_

_I'm looking down now that it's over_

_R_ _eflecting on all of my mistakes I thought I found the road to somewhere_

_Somewhere in His grace I cried out heaven save me (save me)_

_But I'm down to one last breath_

_And with it let me say, let me say_

_Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking_

_Maybe six feet ain't so far down_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝_

**Six months.**

Six months of handling petty local crimes and media craziness as if she were a teen like that spiderkid. This was literally her purgatory, and thinking positively and dreaming of a better someday kept getting harder and harder as each day passed.

The team had decided, almost unanimously, that Y/N would stay at the New York tower for the foreseeable future. She understood, truly, but without a higher purpose and friends around to alleviate the darkness inside Y/N was teetering on an edge. When she had been kidnapped and experimented on in order to bring out her enhancement the darkness had been tinged with a rage and injustice at the world. _How dare the world let this happen_.

But this time the darkness was another beast completely, and the white-hot anger was replaced by a cold and bitter disappointment and hatred for herself. The overbearing darkness was having quite the negative effect on her powers which led her to where she was now.

Rain and other water didn’t usually affect her too much because she could bury the electric current, but now she was practically an open wound as the downpour cascaded down on her.

> **Most people say you never know if you would off yourself until the moment you do it.**

Y/N was sure. She’d thought of it plenty in the past, before her “gifts”, and she’d been thinking of new, better and more creative ways lately.

~~~~~~~~~~

Her last mission was the straw that broke the camel’s back for her. She had stopped the bad guy, yes. But her emotions were haywire and the shocked him too hard. Too long. Too much.

He was in a coma now.

He’d killed and who knows what else; which was why they called her in. But their fight was public and everyone was quick to turn the tables on her and now she was the bad guy. Better everyone else finally see that too. It wasn’t planned, but Y/N saw it as the best outcome. She would never be invited back into the fold. Bucky was a core part of the team, and she wasn’t.

So, alienate herself and push everyone away. _For the best_.

Now she found herself staggering toward the ledge. Rain had never hurt this bad, and her muscles were seizing a bit as she tried to walk. But Y/N would be damned if she wasn’t going to go through with this.

A slamming sound startled her as she spun to face the door to the roof and slipped only to fall into a puddle while cracking her head on the very ledge she had planned to jump from. Covered in water, and convulsing, Y/N slipped into the darkness while harsh footsteps pounded towards her twitching body.

**Then, nothing.**


	6. Never Enough: Tangled Up in You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **TW: suicide attempt, mental illness, depression, injured character**  
> Very Steve-centric

_You're my world_

_The shelter from the rain_

_You're the pills That take away my pain_

_You're the light That helps me find my way_

_You're the words When I have nothing to say_

_And in this world Where nothing else is true_

_Here I am Still tangled up in you I_

_'m still tangled up in you Still tangled up in you_

_You're the fire That warms me when I'm cold_

_You're the hand I have to hold as I grow old_

_You're the shore When I am lost at sea_

_You're the only thing That I like about me_

_And in this world Where nothing else is true_

_Here I am_

_Still tangled up in you_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫_

Steve felt it was his responsibility to check on Y/N.

He brought her into the fold. He introduced her to Bucky. He told her how Bucky liked her back when she thought he’d never even look her way. He made the call to leave her home on that water mission. Even though he knew she was doing more than well with her control, and would never put the team in danger.

In short, Y/N was his responsibility, and he felt like a failure. And guilty.

So when he saw the public’s reaction to Y/N taking down that man, and how the media turned tail and made her the villain; he knew it was time to check on her again.

\------------------------

When he made it to the tower he was hit with a wave of nostalgia on the elevator ride to Y/N’s level. With a faint beep the doors slid open to an empty floor, and the cleanliness almost gave Cap whiplash.

Last time he came to the city to check on her, Y/N had quite a depression mess going on and that had concerned him. He gave a her a stern, maybe too stern looking back, talking to about her pizza boxes, piles of clothes and dirty dishes.

“This isn’t your personal vacation home Y/N.” he’d said with pinched brows. “You aren’t here to be lazy and mope around.”

“Sorry. . . Steve.” Y/N had said like a cowering child.

But he paid no mind and plowed on, “You made all this mess,” _**Definite double meaning**_. “Learn to clean up after yourself and be an adult.”

Then he had left. Without even checking in on her mentally and emotionally as he had planned. **Mad**.

She seemed, to him, so unaffected by what had happened while his best pal was tearing himself apart. Bucky’s nightmares were back full force, and he had retreated to a sullen, brooding darkness.

\------------------------

But that was three months ago, and Buck was finally feeling better.

Steve had got him talking to a therapist again. Granted, after he told him exactly what Y/N said happened, Bucky clocked him in the face and tried to storm out again. Then Steve took him to the shooting range at the compound, and he decimated the whole thing; pissing Tony off, but after he stayed in Steve’s room and just cried for a while.

Now, he was smiling, interacting with the team, bantering with Sam and able to pass by his old room he shared with Y/N without a visceral reaction.

How well Bucky was doing is what brought Steve to see Y/N. He had planned on coming to New York to see her and talk about stuff again when he saw all the news’ reports on her incident. Knowing her control was tied to her emotions led him to decide to come today.

But she wasn’t here as far as he could tell. He snooped around and noticed every room was the same; clean and tidy.

_Too clean and tidy_.

When Steve knocked on her bedroom door with no reply; he let himself in, and stopped abruptly. All of her things were packed back in her suitcase and duffel bag like she were moving out. The bedding was all stripped, washed, folded and sat on the bed along the case-less pillows. Then he saw it; his copy of The Great Gatsby. It was sitting on top of her pillows with a sticky note stuck on top, and there were only five words on the paper.

> _**Thank you for everything. Goodbye.** _

With dread settling in his gut Steve called out to F.R.I.D.A.Y., “Friday! Where is Y/N?!” F.R.I.D.A.Y. beeped and stated, “She accessed the roof door 4.53 minutes ago.” And Steve was bounding out the door and up the stairs before F.R.I.D.A.Y. finished her sentence.

**Guilt.**


	7. Never Enough: The Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N is out for the count. How will Steve react? The team? Bucky?

_I'm not a perfect person_

_There's many things I wish I didn't do_

_But I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you_

_And so I have to say before I go_

_That I just want you to know I've found a reason for me_

_To change who I used to be_

_A reason to start over new_

_And the reason is you I'm sorry that I hurt you_

_It's something I must live with everyday_

_And all the pain I put you through I wish that I could take it all away_

_And be the one who catches all your tears_

_That's why I need you to hear I've found a reason for me_

_To change who I used to be_

_A reason to start over new_

_And the reason is you_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝_

As Steve opened the rooftop door he heard the sickening crack and then a sound like when the t.v. whites out, but ten times louder. He looked to the ledge right across from the doorway and saw Y/N’s seizing body and ran to help. But when he went to grab a flailing arm and pull her from the puddle Steve was shocked so hard he immediately fell to his knees and had to force his hand from her forearm.

With pain filled blue eyes he sat and watched; he would have to wait until she ran out of juice.

Once Y/N was still, Steve hoisted her up in a fireman’s carry with one arm, and used the other hand to fish his flip phone from his pocket to message Nat.

> **Y/N hurt. Brinding to comfond. Hve doc reaty.**

_**Hold on Y/N. I’m so sorry.** _

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Waiting for help would take longer than his bike, so Steve put his helmet on Y/N and wrapped her in a blanket he grabbed from the couch, tucked her close to his chest and sped out from the underground parking garage.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

At the compound Nat showed Sam and Wanda the text from Steve as she delegated tasks. “Wanda, once he finds out we don’t know how he’ll react. I don’t know how bad it is.” To this Wanda nodded, out of breath from turning her mission team around and coming back to the compound, as the spy continued. “So I need you to use everything you have to keep him away from the med wing. Got it.”

“ так я зрозумів, I- Yes.”

“Good. Go.” Ordered Nat as she turned to Sam. “Cap’s phone has him nearly here; he’s coming in hot and may need help. Go to the garage and I’ll prep the med team.”

“Already on my way!” acknowledged Sam as he was sprinting towards the door to the garage.

Then Nat took off towards the med wing, slamming through the double swinging, pressurized doors. “We have an injury. Bad. Cap is bringing Y/N in from New York. I don’t know what is happening or the extent, be ready!”

For a split second everyone stood in dead silence; then everyone moved at once. Special equipment was needed in past cases to do with Y/N due to her constant electric current. Triage was ready for blood, and everyone wore special suits to guard against the electric shocks; they had learned long ago.

No one was ready for Captain America to stumble in with a near-dead looking Y/N. 

Dr. Brantsted came forward with a couple nurses pushing a cot, and brandishing the multimeter to measure Y/N’s electrical current levels. However, there was no chittering or beeping. No noise at all from the machine. As far as the multimeter told, Y/N had no abnormal electric currents, waves or traces.

Y/N was an average human again. If she were awake, Y/N would have laughed.

She now matched how she felt. **Powerless.**


	8. Never Enough: I Refuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve got Y/N to med bay. Now comes the hard part.

_I don't wanna die alone_

_I don't wanna live forsaken_

_I refuse to let this go_

_Because my soul is breaking_

_I don't wanna let you know_

_That my heart is just so jaded_

_I refuse to let it show_

_I refuse to let it go_

_Wake me up when this is over_

_I'm tired of living life like it's a dream_

_Please wake me up when it's all over_

_I'm tired of living right here in between_

_I refuse I've always walked alone_

_I chose the path less taken_

_I refuse to let you win_

_Life's a bitch and I've been shaken_

_It's not a joke at all_

_Inside my spirits fading_

_I refuse to take the fall_

_'Cause no one cares at all_

_Wake me up when this is over_

_I'm tired of living life like it's a dream_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫_

Test after test; there didn’t appear to be anything wrong with Y/N besides the wound on her head. As an enhanced, she healed a bit faster than an average human. So the wound was nearly gone. This advanced healing had Dr. Bransted in an optimistic mood because if she was healing at this rate then there was a chance her powers would come back.

However, the stress of the past year, amplified these past six months and compounded with the injuries from the rooftop had Y/N in a light coma. The med team said it could be a few days to a few months.

\-------------------------------------------------------

It was three days later, after hours at her bedside, that Steve was accosted by Natasha.

“So what exactly happened Cap?” She prompted with a raised brow. “You went to check on her and you decided to kill her instead?” It last bit was meant as a joking stab, but Nat couldn’t keep the bite out of her tone.

“No! I-” Steve started off angry but quickly lost steam. He couldn’t just say it; that would make it true. Real. “She fell. . .”

“She fell?” Nat scoffed as she dug in. “She fell and lost her powers? Cracked her head so hard it hasn’t finished healing yet??”

“Yes.” Snapped Steve. “I found- Her apartment was. . . Different. So, I asked F.R.I.D.A.Y where Y/N was and she said the roof. I opened the door, heard a crack and saw Y/N convulsing in a puddle by the edge of the roof top.”

“Different? The roof- What are you talking about?” demanded Nat with a slight edge to her voice.

“He means-” Y/N was interrupted by a cough. “He means I was saying goodbye, Nat.”

The spy looked like she was going to approach Y/N while she spoke, glad her friend was awake. But once she processed what Y/N meant Natasha’s face went cold. “Weak.” she muttered as she stormed out of the med bay.

Y/N’s melancholic sigh brought the Cap from his overcast thoughts.

“You’re awake.” He said with obviously forced enthusiasm.

Y/N answered back, “Yup.” with a popped ‘p’. “And alive apparently.”

“That’s not funny Y/N.” Steve ground out. “We were all-”

“Didn’t say it was funny Cap-e-tan,” she muttered back.

“What? You didn’t want to wake up? See everyone? Your family?”

“Family?” scoffed Y/N but the anger faded back into a dull neutrality. “Obviously I didn’t want to wake up Steven. We both know I was up there with a singular focus.”

“Singular-” his would-be rant was interrupted by the nurse coming in.

“Sir,” she started. “You should have told us she woke up. We have to check her over now that she is awake.”

Steve didn’t budge as a female doctor came in.

“That means get out Captain.”

\------------------------------------------------------

Nat had seemed disgusted and uninterested, but she had stopped by Dr. Flechling’s office. The good doctor was a psychiatrist, and had been brought in by Sam to help the team, mostly Bucky, cope with everything. ' _Even super people need to vent to a complete stranger'_ , Sam had told Tony when he asked to add the doc.

Tony’s past difficulties, and knowing his teammates’ struggles made the decision easy.

> **Sam wanted to go off and live alone in the woods when his mental issues caught up with him.**
> 
> **Steve wanted to sit in his room and listen to music from his time, and read.**
> 
> **Wanda had a tape made of the fight with Ultron, and her brother saving everyone. A hero. Her hero.**
> 
> **Tony put off sleep to a dangerous point. Then sex.**
> 
> **Bruce and Thor came and went, but they helped eachother through their woes.**
> 
> **Natasha wanted to train until she physically couldn’t move. Then some good sex.**
> 
> **Clint had his family, and other civilian people to talk to.**
> 
> **Bucky still needed walked through his pain and sadness because his urge was to kill. Or at least seriously maim.**

This would be Dr. Leah Flechling’s first brush with a suicidal superhuman. _I definitely have my work cut out for me_.


	9. Never Enough: Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N is awake, but she isn't "fixed".

_Search for the answers_

_I knew all along_

_I lost myself, we all fall down_

_Never the wiser of what I've become_

_Alone I stand a broken man_

_All I have is one last chance_

_I wont turn my back on you_

_Take my hand, drag me down_

_If you fall then I will too_

_And I can't save what's left of you_

_Say something new_

_I have nothing left_

_I can't face the dark without you_

_There's nothing left to lose_

_The fighting never ends_

_I can't face the dark without you_

_Follow me under and pull me apart_

_I understand there's nothing left_

_Pain so familiar and close to the heart_

_No more, no less I won't forget_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫_

Seeing he wouldn’t win with this woman, Steve gave a deep sigh and told Y/N he would be back later with some food if she was up to it.

Y/N watched the supersoldier walk down the hall, and didn’t look away until he turned the corner that led out to the main complex. Then she looked past Dr. Flechling to the dark-skinned nurse checking all her vitals.

“Hey there Su, long time no see.” Y/N smiled lightly at the woman who had always been the one she saw before her appointments with Dr. Brantsted. But that felt like eons ago.

“Yes. You had us all worried.” Susan said with pursed lips. “Now this is Dr. Flechling. She’ll be the one talking with you about. . . Things. See you in a bit girl.”

“Later, Su.” agreed Y/N as the door latch clicked and she finally met eyes with the doctor. “Brantsted usually covers everything in medical. He retire while I’ve been gone or something?”

“No. He’s still running things.” the doc said as she shook her hand in a dismissive motion.

“But all your injuries are nearly healed up. No need for him to be here right now. I’m here to talk about the ‘how’ and the ‘why’.”

“Ah.” Y/N nodded in understanding, but her whole posture changed; seeming to cave in on herself as she lowered her gaze. “You’re a cuckoo doc.”

“Psychiatrist; yes. I’m here to discuss some stuff, and we will see where we go from there.” It was a statement, but the tone read more like a question. When she got no reply, the doctor continued, “Before we delve any into what happened on the roof, I think we should discuss your injuries and everything.”

There was no question this time, but Y/N slowly nodded anyway.

“When you came in you were covered in dozens of tiny, indented singe marks. The Captain told the emergency staff that your own electricity seemed to affect you?” Again. No sign of a reply. “You cracked your head open when you fell into the puddle, and landing in the standing water gave you some unique markings on your back, over one shoulder and a slight continuance up and around your ear to your cheek.”

This garnered a reaction when Y/N lifted both hands to cup her cheeks. The left side had some strange smoothing in a branching pattern. “Hmm.”

Doctor Flechling was quick to move on, “We think the head wound attracted the most attention from your advanced healing since that is almost healed, but the markings show no sign of fading. Regardless, it is all pretty remarkable considering. . .”

Taking note of the doctor’s sudden stop, and looked up, “Considering?”

“Well, hun,” she started. “It seems the fall, or something. Maybe the trauma? Has possibly reverted you back to an average human. The med crew has kept checking since you were brought in, but the multimeter shows nothing. No electricity.”

“Oh,” Y/N breathed out as her eyes seemed to water instantaneously. “My powers. They- They, uhm, have been on the fritz for awhile.”

“Fritz?”

“Just too much or too little. I couldn’t rein them in.” babbled Y/N as her thoughts went a million miles a minute. Then, she had a sudden, concerning thought. “Oh! I- Uhm. I don’t want anyone to be able to come see me. The team.”

“You don’t want to see your team? Your friends?” probed the doctor sensing there was more to this.

“Yeah. Just- I’ embarrassed and,” Y/N took in a deep breath a the look the doctor gave her. Pointed, like she knew Y/N’s real reason, but wanted her to say it. “Wanda. Without my powers, she can read me. She-”

“There’s something you don’t want her to know?” questioned the doctor who pressed on at Y/N’s tightly knit expression. “Something you don’t want any of them to know.”

Then, silence.

\-------------------------------------------------

Y/N refused to talk anymore. Not to Susan, not to Dr. Flechling or Brantsted.

Steve kept trying for a couple days before saying he’d bring Wanda down, or Bucky. This only intensified her silence, and her written demand to be taken somewhere else.

> _This is a med bay in a compound for superheroes. I’m not super. Or a hero. I’m an average human; take me to a human hospital if I’m going to be committed._

So, Dr. Flechlling called some old colleagues and found a spot for Y/N at an inpatient facility across the state. “They will help you here. But only as much as you help yourself. Get well, for you.” the doctor said as she checked Y/N into the front desk, and was met with never-ending silence.

Leah sighed as the nurse took Y/N through a pair of electronically locked double doors. **From here on out, Y/N was alone again.**


	10. Never Enough: Behind Blue Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How did the team live after Y/N was sent to NYC? T'Challa makes an appearance. Rest in Power Chadwick.

_No one knows what it's like_

_To be the bad man_

_To be the sad man_

_Behind blue eyes_

_And no one knows what it's like_

_To be hated_

_To be fated to telling only lies_

_But my dreams they aren't as empty_

_As my conscience seems to be_

_I have hours, only lonely_

_My love is vengeance_

_That's never free_

_No one knows what its like_

_To feel these feelings_

_Like I do_

_And I blame you_

_No one bites back as hard_

_On their anger_

_None of my pain and woe_

_Can show through_

_But my dreams they aren't as empty_

_As my conscience seems to be_

_I have hours, only lonely_

_My love is vengeance_

_That's never free_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫_

The first month or so after Y/N moved to the New York tower was in his top five of most difficult things he’d gone through in his life. And that truly said something.

With the exception of Natasha and Steve, everyone tip-toed around him like a ticking bomb.

However, that may have had more to do with the complete destruction he unleashed on the arms training field. But Steve had convinced him to talk to his old doctor in Wakanda while they searched for a psychiatrist for the compound. Seeing old friends like Shuri and T’Challa helped ease his internal pain. Talking about distracting topics like his old goat-friends and the kids from the village that had certainly been growing while he was gone had soothed him.

It was on one such call with T’Challa that Buck almost physically felt his constricting heart release.

“Oh White Wolf, when will we discuss the reason for your many calls as of late?” prompted T’Challa; leaving it open for him to decide to dive in or avoid it again.

With a sigh the ex-assassin began his story, what he knew anyway. Going through his observance of Y/N’s changing mood, her infidelity and ending with the pain he felt.

“My friend it seems there was, and still is more going on inside Y/N perhaps?” he broached tentatively. “You helped each other -- she did something terrible, no doubt -- but even the brightest light cannot kill the darkness. Only keep it at bay.”

This was something Bucky had thought, obviously; maybe he wasn’t enough?

Seeing the darkness brewing, T’Challa hurried on, “It doesn’t mean anything bad about either of you. Only that you may need more help than just each other. Use this time to make yourself healthier and more fortified for the next partner you may have when your heart and mind have healed. Children, my friend, are not the only ones who take a village.”

“T’Challa. . . Thank you.”

“You are welcome James. I must say farewell. Give my best to the rest of the team.”

“I will. Be safe.”

“You too.”

\--------------------------

After the screen went black there was a light knock on his door. **Steve.**

“Hey Buck.”

“Hey pal.” sighed Bucky; ready to tell his friend he was ready to talk to a professional again as they had touched on before. “I-”

“Sam found someone.” interrupted the captain. “Didn’t mean to intrude, but I heard the last bit T’Challa said.”

“Yeah, I think I’m ready to talk things through. Work on me. For me.”

“Good. I’m glad. “ he smiled lightly. “Dr. Leah Flechling will be here tomorrow morning to have evals with the whole team.”

“Everyone?” Bucky asked with his brows pulled together.

“Yeah.” nodded Steve. “I think we could all benefit from someone to talk to.”

What didn’t need to be said was that Steve would never let Bucky go through something like this alone. _**Not again.**_

\-----------------------------------

A month and a couple weeks later, and Bucky was honestly feeling quite a bit worse.

But the doc had warned him. Going back to the root of problems would bring unwanted affects with it. Nightmares primarily.

He wasn’t the only one.

Everyone talking through stuff, separately of course, had the team a bit on edge.

This is what made Cap decide to check on Y/N for the first time in a few months. She didn’t have anyone really, but she also wasn’t being forced through all the dark parts of her psyche by some stranger. In his mind, she should be doing better than them at least.

\----------------------------------

Bucky watched as Steve came storming back from his visit to see Y/N, and went directly to the doctor’s office.

“Her whole level is a damned mess,” he raged, getting angry for his friend again. “Like, she is the one upset by the hole she tore into our team?”

“She was essentially exiled from the team as far as she is concerned; correct?” probed Dr. Flechling.

“By her own actions,” Steve countered. “She is an adult, and she made a CHOICE. Chose to- To ruin what she had. What we all had.”

Flechling's interest was piqued. Bucky was still sifting through years of other traumas so they hadn’t even touched on Y/N and her infidelity as of yet. But through his anger, the doctor could see Steve’s real problem. His issue at the root.

He had the heart, soul and mindset of hero.

What Y/N did was like a bomb for his made-family dynamic and he couldn’t see it beforehand to stop it.

**To him, he had failed at being a hero when it mattered most.**


	11. Never Enough: Seasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N's storyline and Bucky's storyline brush together again.

_Back and forth you wonder_

_Through your mind_

_Winters passing over_

_But it wont find you_

_Take what you can_

_Change the seasons_

_Isolate yourself and You will find_

_There's no rhyme or reason_

_That it wont find you_

_Take what you can_

_Change the seasons_

_The changing of the seasons is you now_

_The changing of the seasons is you now, is you now_

_Back and forth you wonder_

_Through your mind_

_Winters passing over_

_But I don't mind_

_Branches that you're under will subside_

_There's no time to ponder_

_Cause it wont find you_

_Take what you can_

_Change the seasons_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫_

Months later and Bucky was feeling so much better. Not only him, but the team as a whole.

For the most part.

He was participating in his therapy, using breathing and calming exercises the doc taught him and truly enjoying team dinners. Steve had noticed the positive change in his best pal right away, and was more than relieved. They were all doing better. Feeling brighter.

But even as an outsider, you could tell something was off, missing. Or someone rather.

It was during an early team supper when he announced it to the team, “It’s been a few months since any of us have heard anything about Y/N other than whatever the news covers. I’m going up this weekend if anyone wants to tag along? I can wait until after you and Carter get back from your mission Wanda?”

The sokovian nodded, “Yes. I would like to talk to her. I- I feel bad I haven’t reached out.”

“Anyone else?” his question was met with eyes looking away, and Bucky lowering his head to look at his plate. Everyone knew the jist of what happened, and had equated it to similar events in their own lives. They weren’t ready to see Y/N. Not yet.

“Okay then. Just me and Wanda. Sounds like a plan.”

\--------------------------------------------------

**Things would not go to plan.**

After the team supper Steve turned on the news, and almost switched channels when Sam yelled out, “Grandpa!” with a laugh.

Right as he was about to click the button Y/N’s face appeared on the screen.

> **Has electric hero, Joule, lost control?**
> 
> **Electric Enhanced Fall from Grace.**
> 
> **From Bright Hero to Static Villain: Did Joule try to kill that man?**

Tony patched in from his lab, “It appears our little megaJoule has been getting people too hard lately. Pete just called in, said Y/N and he were after this man. Wannabe serial killer type. She got him with that electric lasso thing Wan worked on with her, and shocked him. Hard. He’s on life support at Presbyterian. Media circus got kicked off my tower property, but. . . Yeah.”

“Shit,” muttered Sam into the now silent room.

Bucky sat there on the love seat. To the room it would look like he was a blank slate. **_Could care less_**.

But Steve saw the slight pinch of Bucky’s brows, slowly turning downward in anger as he looked up to meet Steve’s gaze. When their eyes met Steve nodded slowly and marched towards the door.

As he went to pass Nat with her arms crossed in the kitchen doorway she said, “Apparently your talk didn’t work Cap. Get her under control. I’ll call Wanda back in case you need enhanced assistance.”

She didn’t get a spoken reply but the super soldier lightly shoulder checked her on his way through, grabbed his leather jacket off the kitchen chair and left through the door from the kitchen to the garage. Less than a minute later they all heard the roar and squeal of his bike as he peeled out of the drive.

\------------------------------------------

Abruptly, Bucky rose to his feet and silently made his way to his bedroom.

When he was finally in his own safe space Buck dropped onto his bed with his forearms on his knees and head hanging low. He went all this time trying to ‘get over’ her and everything that had happened.

Thought he could not care less about her life in New York City. Thought the only things he felt about her were memories of a better past. He was wrong. **And so angry**.

Angry at her for her lack of control. Angry at the media for making her out to be a villain. Angry at himself for thinking more on what T’Challa had said. Y/N had to have stuff going on inside too, and they had left her to fend for himself.

\--------------------------------------

He was still sitting in his own spiraling emotions when he suddenly felt it. Like a heavy silence in the compound, then the sounds of rushing coming from the med bay.

_**Y/N.** _

He rose from his bed and paced to the door. As soon as he opened it he felt small hands on the sides of his head and saw a red glow.

“I am sorry James,” whispered Wanda as she pushed a command for obedience into his head.

They couldn’t risk him rushing down and freaking out. Reaching her power out, Wanda saw the state Y/N was in through her team’s eyes.

**_Bucky would break._ **

She could make it up to him later.


	12. Never Enough: If I Were

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Y/N and Steve's brotherly guilt.**TRIGGER WARNING** Attempted suicide, self harm, destructive self commentary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING** Attempted suicide, self harm, destructive self commentary.

_Just tell me, tell me how to keep this_

_And I'll be alright Just tell me, tell me what's the secret_

_And I'll hold it tight_

_'Cause I don't want to spend another moment_

_Without you again_

_Just tell me, tell me how to keep this_

_So it never ends_

_If I were God, just for a day I would be guilty_

_Of letting the whole world slip away_

_I wouldn't change, No, I wouldn't change a thing_

_I'd leave the mistakes I'll take the blame_

_And I'll use the chance_

_To keep you just the same_

_If I were, if I were God just for a day_

_Don't tell me, tell me how it changes_

_It's you I can't replace_

_Don't tell me, tell me that we're hopeless_

_I can learn from my mistakes_

_'Cause I don't want to spend another moment_

_Without you again_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫_

Y/N had been here for three months and hadn’t spoken a syllable.

She hadn’t spoken one month and a week after she was admitted when the staff found her looking out the big bay window at four in the morning. She had tears running down her face and her hands clenched so hard blood was dripping from the crescent indents in her palm.

If only the staff had known.

They thought she was crying in despair over her situation, and longing to be outside.

Half of that was true. She was in despair, but as vain as it sounds she was looking at her reflection in the window. Not to the outside world. Her. The nasty scar; a beacon to others of her past and present. She had never thought she was all that great to start with, and now she had a sick sense of validation about the branching pattern. But, yes, if they had noticed what was really going on in her head there would’ve been no doubt about what would come next.

\----------------------------------

Two months and twenty-eight days into her psychiatric stay and they found her again. This time it was in front of the shattered remains of a bathroom mirror. Y/N had wrapped her extra psych ward provided shirt around her fist to silence the shattering of glass.

Blood was everywhere. But there were no tears this time. Just anger.

She'd had a brief second of cold feet about trying this whole dying thing again and gripped the glass shard too hard. The sharp pinch was painful, but a release as well. Then she went to switch the shard to her other hand and commit to doing the deed, and there it was.

The slice to her hand was already healing. Not as fast as when she was at full power, but not an average human’s rate either. One would think this was a good thing. A sign maybe? Her power was there, somewhere.

**No.**

Y/N wasn’t happy. She was pissed. **_Now she heals? After everything. The scar across her whole back and up to her face?_**

She didn’t want her power, without it she was supposed to be human. Easier to die that way. And now her healing factor kicks in. **Fuck this.**

So Y/N went to town slashing and tearing into herself where she could reach. But the more damage she did, the faster her healing factor kicked in. So when the hospital staff rushed in Y/N barely had any marks on her, but the bathroom looked like a slaughterhouse.

\--------------------------------------------

Steve was her proxy and got the news in the middle of that night.

_Blood, anger, horror. But not even a hint of sound from her. In pain or otherwise_. Right then and there he decided to have the facility run some more medical tests.

He had thought she was being difficult, stubborn. But maybe her lack of speech had more to do with the loss of her powers or something like that?

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The hospital agreed to run some blood tests, and double check medical and psych history. To do this they needed her records from the compound doctor, and as they had Y/N medicated to keep her from hurting herself again Steve was able to sign over the documents.

So, Captain America made his way to the hospital to sign the paperwork and be there when the results came through.

Once he signed, however, he didn’t have to wait long. Sitting in a rather uncomfortable chair in the too white visitor’s waiting room, Steve was dragged out of his thoughts about the past year by the head doctor.

“Ahem,” he coughed. “Mr. Capt- Mr. Rogers. Can we speak privately?”

Definitely concerned he replied, “Yes, of course.” and followed the salt and pepper haired man to his office. “Have you-”

“We haven’t done any testing yet,” began the doctor, and he rushed on at the super soldier’s raised brows. “First we were going over the medical and psychological history you signed for. And I just have to ask; why weren’t we told about this? It would have a great effect on her mental well-being. She should have had counseling or something with this considering her mental health history.”

“This?” Steve prompted, feeling accused. All he could think of was the man she put in a coma. “She shocked that man too hard, but I didn’t see it as something for counseling. By the time I got there that same day she had already made that first attempt?”

“No, Captain. This loss? The effect it has on women of varying ages. . .”

“Loss?” Now he was confused and frustrated. Loss? _Did the doctor mean her breakup with Bucky? She chose to do that._ _And why was that in a medical history?_ “I didn’t think relationships and breakups were in medical files.”

“Break- Wait. You don’t know what I am talking about at all, do you?” questioned the doctor.

“Apparently not. So tell me what you’re beating around the bush about.” demanded Steve. When the doctor hesitated and looked like he was about to refuse Steve pushed on. “I am her proxy. In order to help and assure she gets the best possible care while I am responsible for her I have to be told everything.”

“Well,” began the doctor. “It seems she was deemed incapable of conceiving just a few months before her first incident in New York City. Infertility is a tricky, and painful condemnation to give a person. According to the timeline you provided, she was told this shortly before being sent to the city. . . Alone.”

\--------------------------------------------------------

Steve was at a loss. _**Y/N, why didn’t you tell us? Tell me? What exactly happened?**_


	13. Never Enough: To Be Alone

_Hey you_

_Can you tell me when enough is enough?_

_When you've pushed enough buttons and it's time to back up?_

_Well, would you know when someone else has had enough of you?_

_(Of you) Of you (yes, you)_

_Just take a second, you should listen to yourself_

_Everybody is to blame, but no one else is around Is any of it sinking in and making sense to you?_

_(Of you) Yes, you (It's true)_

_Is there no means to an end?_

_So tell me, how does it feel to know that no one is coming?_

_No one is running When you hit the ground (you hit the ground)_

_How does it feel to know that no one's around you?_

_No one will be there_

_When you hit the ground (you hit the ground)_

_How does it feel? How does it feel to be alone?_

_Well, now that I've got you here and you're all alone_

_Is there anyone you need to call before we move on?_

_Well, is there anybody out there thinking of you?_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫_

Bucky had perked up when Steve’s phone rang. He had been awake next door for almost two hours; the same sleep schedule he’d been on since Y/N was sent to that facility.

\-----------------------------------------------------

Steve and Tony in his Iron Man suit stood in front of Wanda as she slowly brought the ex-assassin out of his mind-lock.

To him it would be like no time had passed, but it had been almost a week and Y/N was already gone to the hospital. The mind-lock was like a zombie state. He was out for the count mentally, but he ate and slept to keep his body healthy.

But the team had seen the effects of his anger when he lost time due to the winter soldier brainwashing; here he would wake up still in the last thought, sight or thing he heard before he was put under, and once he realized what had happened he would be pissed. So, Tony and Steve were there to guard Wanda as all this had her drained as well.

“Y/N,” Bucky muttered as his eyes seemed to focus once more. He shook his head a little as he met Steve’s eyes, “What- Steve?”

As expected, the darker-haired super soldier completely lost his shit as the past week’s events were explained to him.

But the ire quickly faded as he saw the pain in everyone’s faces, and Steve said, “She told the med staff she didn’t want to see any of us pal. I saw her for a few minutes for a few days, but she refused to talk and none of us were allowed in her room. And then she requested a transfer to a regular hospital. She- Her enhancement is gone. At least for now.”

The concern that had made him so angry at her, at the world, came back full force. And it seemed it would keep him up at night for the foreseeable future.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Now here Bucky was trying to listen to the phone call.

But it would seem Steve was aware of possible eavesdroppers and lightly muttered a, “Be right there.”

Bucky rose to his feet to meet him at his doorway, and opened his door right as Steve was trying to rush past. “What is it? Y/N?” “Pal she- It’s not good, and I’m gonna head up there.” “Not good?” Buck questioned in a short tone. “The hell does that mean Steve?”

“They said she’s fine physically,” Steve lead off. “But they were saying something about a lot of blood and glass.” When Bucky went to open his mouth Steve rushed on with, “I’m going because I am her proxy. The no-contact demand she made still stands. I probably won’t even see her. I will be back with more information. Okay, pal?”

When Buck nodded Steve resumed his sprint to the garage to drive away.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

Steve returned to the compound mid-afternoon to F.R.I.D.A.Y. announcing most of the team had left for an emergency mission.

“Mr. Barnes requested to be notified of your return. Should I send a message to the helicarrier?”

Steve thought for a second, and said, “No F.R.I.D.A.Y. give me a bit of time. I’m trying to figure some stuff out.”

“Very well Mr. Rogers.”

Now that he didn’t have to be worried about Bucky hounding him for information on Y/N Steve sat hunched on the couch to think. Still wondering why Y/N never said anything about her infertility or even her concerns about it. He thought they were close. Like the sister he never had. So lost in his thoughts he was; he didn’t notice Wanda coming down the stairs from her room until she was already storming towards him.

“What happened?” she asked like the didn’t believe the thought out words he was saying. “The doctors told you this? Why didn’t she- This is why she didn’t want us there when you brought her back.”

“What do you mean, kid?”

“She said she didn’t want the team to see her,” Steve nodded following her thought process. “But she really didn’t want me to come see her. She didn’t want me to read her. But if she said only I wasn’t allowed then it would have seemed suspicious.”

Now Steve was a bit confused. He thought Wanda couldn’t read Y/N; remembered laughing conversations between the two about that very topic.

Wanda picked up on his thoughts again and explained, “I couldn’t read her because however her enhancement worked. The electric current was like static if I tried. But if you told her she was just human again. . .”

“But why wouldn’t she want us to know? We are- Were her family.” rushed Steve feeling the guilt settle in his stomach like a weight.

But Wanda, so wise for her years had this answer too, “She didn’t want him to know.”

Steve nodded again, but he and Wanda were thinking the same thing. _**He deserves to know.**_


	14. Never Enough: Alone in a Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So.. shit's about to go down. But the healing is starting for poor Y/N.

_I've been away, a little while, sometimes I just can't help myself When my mind's running wild,_

_I seem to lose grip on reality_

_And I try to disregard the crazy things the voices tell me to do, but it's no use I tried to own it, write songs about it_

_Believe me I tried, in the end I needed to breathe_

_Find inspiration, some kind of purpose_

_To take a second to face the shit that makes me, me_

_All I needed was the last thing I wanted_

_To sit alone in a room and say it all out loud_

_Every moment, every second, every trespass_

_Every awful thing, every broken dream_

_A couple years back and forth with myself in a cage_

_Banging my head against the wall tryna put words on a page_

_All I needed was the last thing I wanted_

_To be alone in a room, alone in a room_

_I saw the world a couple times, tried to cure the ache with absence_

_But that hole was still a hole and my mind kept playing tricks on me_

_Feeling older every day, took everything I had to not crash and burn_

_But I'm starting to learn_

_Sometimes I'll fall down, sometimes I'll lose hope_

_B_ _ut those days will be few if I keep my feet on the ground_

_I might be lonely, but I ain't alone here_

_So I keep pushing the limits of what makes me_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫_

Bucky and Steve had many talks about the future back before the war; when things were simpler. James Buchanan Barnes was a flirt and no one would deny it, but he had always said he wanted to settle down after the war. He wanted to be someone that somebody wanted for the rest of their lives, even if he thought the best route was to move from dame to dame until he felt that ‘ _thing_ ’.

When he was in Wakanda, the White Wolf saw many happy families, couples and admittedly strange groupings. He saw young men and women wooing other men and women in various combinations that would have been kept quiet in his time. But he felt a sense of pride for them. To love who they loved and receive that love back in return. However, he thought he would never be something for him to hope for again; who could love a monster? Want a family with a monster?

Then, he was back with his old pal. Steve, and everyone were so kind and welcoming; especially Steve’s new trainee Y/N. And old dreams came back.

Once they were together, and the happiness and love seemed like it would bloom and re-bloom over and over forever, he sat in the kitchen and talked to Steve about all the cliches. Settling down. Stopping the hero gig. Getting married, white picket fence and children to share in the love he felt overflowing him.

It wouldn’t feel like too long before everything went downhill. **And fast**.

He had always felt like, maybe, he had overwhelmed her. She was always wanting him to be happy. But maybe Y/N hadn’t wanted to have his kids. Maybe, despite everything, she still didn’t want to chance having a life with a monster? These were concerns he eventually talked to Steve about, and now Steve was passing this to Wanda. Just because she could didn’t mean she was always around prying into others’ minds for information that wasn’t her business.

Bucky’s road to recovery had been rough after the Winter Soldier conditioning. Then everything with Y/N, and he had done well again. But after the news of her time in medbay and her subsequent stay at the mental health facility; Bucky hadn’t been doing well, and Steve could tell when he stopped him in the hall on his way out last night.

\--------------------------------------------------

“I’d been worried his progress was relapsing because of Y/N. His self-doubt and self/hatred was smothering him,” Steve explained to Wanda as they both paced the kitchen; unsure of their roles and responsibilities in this. “He told me- He said he thought she was scared to have a kid with him after they talked about maybe trying. He thinks that fear of some monster baby is what had her wanting out of their relationship, but the fear also kept her from just breaking it off, and that’s why she did what she did.”

“For someone so self deprecating, he sure thinks way too much is about him,” Wanda said in a flat tone. “I want you to give me permission to see her Steve. You are her proxy, and you already made decisions for testing. You can say I can visit. These two are spiraling into themselves, and I am going to get to the bottom of it.”

\-----------------------------------------------------

Steve had begrudgingly agreed with Wanda’s demand, and called the hospital while she was already on her way there. The doctor’s were a bit shocked he would pull this as a proxy, but he assured them it was for the best. Y/N wasn’t going to talk, and they couldn’t let her keep pulling this shit she was doing.

\-------------------------------------------------

**BEEP. BEEP.**

Wanda walked through the electric-locked doors with her hands twisting in her visitor's pass that hung around her neck.

A female nurse with graying hair, and kind eyes led her to Y/N’s door and swiped a card to let her in. “We will have to lock it after you go in, but I’ve seen you on the news and I think you can handle yourself young lady,” explained the woman with a light smile. “Just press this button right here when you want let out.”

“Yes. Thank you.”

After the door shut behind her and locked with a “beep” Wanda faced her friend who’s back was to her, staring at the wall. They had lowered her dose, but she was still on the edge; everything was just a bit off and her brain a bit fuzzy. Knowing Y/N wasn’t going to face her, or speak, Wanda made her way across the room to sit at her side on the small bed. She placed a hand on her back and gently rubbed circles as she began to lay everything out for her.

“I made Steve let me come see you, so don’t be to angry with him. He- We all want what is best for you,” she started. “The doctor talked to Steve about your medical things to see why you weren’t talking, and your file had something none of knew anything about Y/N. . .”

Y/N startled a bit at this, her eyes got wide and she opened her mouth as if to argue. But no sound came out.

So, Wanda went on. “I figured it out Y/N. Why you didn’t want the team to visit you when Steve brought you to the compound, and after.” Wanda took a deep inhale to center herself as she could feel herself becoming frustrated. “I know you didn’t want me to read you. To know about something. Was it about having a child? I don’t get why you wouldn’t let us know. Let us help. We are your friends and family. But I am going to find out.”

This shattered Y/N false neutrality, and the tears began.

“You know I usually wouldn’t do this without permission, but you are hurting yourself. Inside and out. And you are taking everyone with you,” as she finished her piece she reached out with twisting hands glowing red. “Don’t make it harder on yourself, on me. Let me in”

Everything flashed past so quickly. Like a flood. Like Y/N had wanted to give in and tell someone all this time. With another pulse of power Wanda slowed the frantic thoughts to start at the beginning.

_**Childhood sickness.** _

_**Y/N’s parents whispering about what this medicine would mean for their daughter’s future and possibilities of a family.** _

_**Being taken by Hydra and tortured. Tested on. Pain.** _

_**Her enhancement taking out the whole chamber and frying the electroshock machine they had been using.** _

_**Meeting Steve when his mission team came to the base she was held at.** _

_**Being taken to meet the team under Steve’s wing.** _

_**Training, learning, becoming friends.** _

_**The Winter Soldier returning from Wakanda.** _

_**Y/N being so nervous around him, but wanting him to feel just as welcomed as she had felt.** _

_**The team dinners. Becoming a family.** _

_**Everyone convincing Y/N Bucky liked her back.** _

_**Bucky and Y/N confessing.** _

_**Dates. Love. So much love.** _

The images seemed to take on a darker look. Like they were warped or being seen through darkness. But one thing was bathed in light. One person. Bucky. Like a spotlight, he was covered in brighter glow.

_**Listening in on Steve and Bucky’s conversation. Family. Marriage. Children.** _

_**Deciding to try.** _

_**Doctor visit.** _

_**Doctor visit.** _

_**Doctor visit.** _

_**The doctor visit. There was something wrong with her.** _

_**She couldn’t give him what he needed; deserved.** _

_**The whole team going on a mission. Steve telling Y/N it was for the best she didn’t come. Just in case. In case she hurt someone.** _

_**Spiraling.** _

_**Sadness. Confusion. Anger. Questioning.** _

_**A decision made. A lie told.** _

_**Y/N looking out the back window of the town car waving at Steve and Wanda. Turning in her seat and getting brief glance at a heartbroken Bucky.** _

_“Little pain now, but you will be better without me. I want you to be happier.”_

Wanda was shoved out of Y/N’s mind by sheer will-power.

_“She saw what she came for. I don’t want her to see the rest. What I did. All that blood,”_ Y/N thought to herself.

Both women had tears spilling over as Wanda looked at Y/N in a look of awestruck horror. But Y/N seemed. . . Relieved. Healing was already starting, inside.

“You got what you came for.” whispered Y/N, voice rough with disuse. “Please go.” Wanda looked like she was going to argue so Y/N assured her. “I feel. . . Better. I will try for everyone. For you. For me. Promise.”

At this, Wanda nodded. “Okay. I will see you in a couple weeks.” and Y/N faintly smiled and tilted her head in affirmative. “And Y/N? I love you. We- We all love you, and miss you so much.”

“Me too.”

\-----------------------------------------

Regardless of the hows or whys, Y/N still needed to heal and the best place was here at the hospital.

Wanda told the nurse on her way out that she thinks they should try again with Y/N; assuring her that Y/N was going to try this time, and walked out the door.

Quickly, Wanda pulled out her phone and texted Steve:

> **Y/N didn’t cheat. Lied.**
> 
> **Thought she was freeing Buck**
> 
> **Because of the baby thing.**

\----------------------------------------------

When he felt his phone buzz Steve took it from his jacket sleeve as he glanced at Bucky; slouching with his head on one hand and his other stirring the tiny straw in his drink. As super soldiers they couldn’t get drunk, but it was the thought that counted. Steve had brought his pal to the bar to, hopefully, dissuade him from a meltdown when they discussed Y/N and the real cause of her issues, cheating and all.

His brows were furrowed as he re-read the text from Wanda when he heard Bucky.

“So, Steve, why are we here? We can’t even get drunk, and you obviously have something to tell-”

The sudden cut in Bucky’s sentence whipped Steve’s gaze from his phone to see what caught his friend’s attention. Captain America himself was not prepared for what he saw, nor was he quick enough to stop his enraged friend from leaping up. Murder in his eyes directed at one bar patron.

A dark haired man sat near the bar with a couple friends shoulders shaking and tattooed hands gripping his beer hard. Green eyes watering in laughter at something his friend must have said.

**_To the Winter Soldier, this man was laughing at him. At what he’d done. What he’d taken._ **

**_To the Winter Soldier, this green-eyed, dark-haired, tattooed bastard was a dead man. _ **

**Too bad this guy had no idea what was going on.**


	15. Never Enough: Jekyll and Hyde

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky. . . makes a mistake.

_There's just so much goddamned weight on your shoulders_

_That you can't just live your motherfucking life_

_The story's getting old and my heart is getting colder_

_I just wanna be Jekyll, but I'm always fighting Hyde_

_You've got rocks in your head, I can hear them rolling 'round_

_You can say that you're above it, but you're always falling down_

_Is there a method to your madness, is it all about pride?_

_Everyone I know, they've got a demon inside_

_Oh, yo, yo, there's a demon inside_

_Oh, yo, yo, just like Jekyll and Hyde_

_Oh, yo, yo, all this anger inside_

_Oh, yo, yo, I feel like Jekyll and Hyde_

_If I wasn't so deranged, could I ever face the pain?_

_If I ever want to change, would this all remain the same?_

_Oh, yo, yo_

_All I'm trying to do is live my motherfucking life_

_Oh, yo, yo_

_Wear a smile on my face, but there's a demon inside_

_Oh, yo, yo_

_All I'm trying to do is live my motherfucking life_

_Oh, yo, yo_

_Wear a smile on my face, but there's a demon inside_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫_

The day Y/N told Bucky she had cheated and wanted to break up he had ran into the woods around the compound.

When Sam and Nat chased him down they made the comment; wondering if it would be like when Nemo framed him for T’Chaka’s murder and the explosion. And Sam had said it would be different because that was an angry Winter Soldier and in the woods was an angry Bucky Barnes, their friend.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tonight, in this bar, it seemed like the two sides to his friend had met in the middle. The Winter Soldier was silent, quick, efficient and deadly. James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes was explosive, loud, destructive and deadly. Two sides of the same coin and all of that was pointed at one specific civilian.

As soon as Bucky had jumped up from his seat Steve was after him. The brunette super soldier powered through the space flipping the table behind the tatted man and his two friends. Right as he grasped the back of his shirt Steve locked his arms around his biceps to meet at the center of his chest effectively forcing his arms down.

When Bucky’s arms were pinned his grip on the dark-haired man’s shirt yanked him backwards from his stool.

“What the fuc-” bellowed the man who’s friends had quickly jumped from their own stools to help him up. All three pairs of eyes looked up, ready to brawl, when they saw The Winter Soldier himself thrashing in Captain America’s arms.

The murderous look in Bucky’s eyes made his intent perfectly clear to all three despite having no idea what brought this on.

Steve was trying to get Bucky to stop, muttering about _listening to him for a damn minute_ , when Bucky broke his hold and rushed the green-eyed man.

Grabbing him by the throat and lifting him up the wall beside the bar his demeanor shifted, cold, collected, but still deadly. “What kind of man thinks its okay to creep around bars and fuck other men’s dames? Huh?”

The whispered tone itself nearly made the poor man piss himself right then and there, but then he thought about what he said, “Hey, wait man. It wasn’t me. Whoever this dude is, was. Not me.”

“Fuckin' lies. This was the only bar she could have been talking about, and you match the piece of shit’s description to the last detail.” muttered the enraged man.

“No. It couldn’t be me-” his explanation was cut off as Bucky squeezed his windpipe tighter.

Steve didn’t know what to do. If he grabbed Buck and tried to pull him off the man he may very well severely hurt the man anyway. But he couldn’t do anything. **The mighty American hero was frozen**. His best pal wouldn’t listen to him about Wanda’s text right now; his mind was too clouded with rage, pain and blatant revenge.

“Buck. Pal-” Steve stopped when his glance caught something. The tattooed man had a ring. **That means he could have a family, _children_**. He was about to make his decision to just rip Bucky from the man when he and Bucky heard one of the other men’s soft cry.

“No. . . Baby.”

It took a longer second for Steve to process, but Bucky flashed back to his time in Wakanda.

All the strange combinations that never would have put themselves out there like that in his time. The pride he felt that they were so strong to show the world they loved who they loved, and were loved in return.

And it clicked for the soldier; this man couldn't be who he thought he was. These men were in love, he looked down at the darker-haired man’s hand, these two men were married. With that realization Bucky quickly released the man and he dropped to his knees on the ground holding his throat and greedily taking big gulps of air.

With that the Winter Soldier was gone, and it was just Bucky, “I- I am so sorry. I thought- I” he stopped as the man took one hand from massaging his throat to halt Bucky’s words.

“No, I get it.” he coughed, and his eyes cut to his husband to quiet him. “If I would have had his power, strength when I found out about you and him back then; I’d have tried to kill him too.” At this the husband looked down lost in past shame and still in awe of his husband’s forgiveness after these past years.

Bucky’s shame wasn’t in the past though, and he turned tail out the front door. **He would jog back to the compound from here. _Clear his head_. **

\-------------------------------------------------------

Steve was still in the bar with the three men apologizing when he realized Bucky had bolted.

“Again. I am sorry. If there’s anything we can do. . .” he lead off as his gaze was towards the door.

“How about you two don’t come back around for a while, until the trauma fades a bit,” the man, Dimitri, laughed at Cap’s widened eyes as he turned his gaze back to him. “Nah man. I’m kidding. Like I said, I get it. My babe, Connor, here; we had a similar thing a few years back. Takes work. But. . .”

“But?” Steve questioned. “It looked like you had something you were trying to tell him? Something important? Should probably go catch him before he tries to kill some other man who fits my description, yeah?”

Dimitri was right. Steve need to find him. Tell him the news.

_Who knew what it would do to him now._


	16. Never Enough: Higher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one before everything comes to light.

_When dreaming I'm guided to another world_

_Time and time again at sunrise I fight to stay asleep_

_'Cause I don't want to leave the comfort of this place_

_'Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape_

_From the life I live when I'm awake_

_So let's go there_

_Let's make our escape_

_Come on, let's go there_

_Let's ask can we stay_

_Can you take me higher_

_To a place where blind men see?_

_Can you take me higher_

_To a place with golden streets?_

_Although I would like our world to change_

_It helps me to appreciate those nights and those dreams_

_But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights_

_If I could make the earth and my dreams the same_

_The only difference is to let love replace all our hate_

_So let's go there_

_Let's make our escape_

_Come on, let's go there_

_Let's ask can we stay?_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫_

Bucky had a good seven minutes on Steve, cutting through wooded and rocky terrain; a sense of comfort in running through the woods slapped him in the face. The faint comfort was knocked out of his grasp when his thoughts wandered back to what happened in the bar. _I almost killed someone._

It wasn’t the Winter Soldier, but it wasn’t the more laid back James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes of the past either. Was this who he was now? All the skill and muscle memory of a trained assassin and the short fuse of young teenager.

Bucky’s thoughts raced as he body slowed from a sprint to a jog. From a jog to a slumped walk. From dragging his feet to squatting down at the base of giant tree with his head in his hands.

\----------------------------------------------------------

A few miles back Steve had slowed his pursuit of his best friend when the GPS tracker for Bucky’s phone showed him on his way back to the compound. He could afford to let his friend breath and think on his own for a few minutes. About five minutes later the GPS showed Bucky a little under a hundred feet to the left of him in the woods off the road. With this, Steve gave a big sigh as he tucked his phone back in his pocket shut the truck door with a hearty slam and took his first step into the dense forest to find his friend.

\------------------------

Miles and miles away, Y/N was in group listening to everyone’s stories and progress reports.

She hadn’t been attending for a while before her incident happened, and then she was out for the count for a bit before Wanda came.

**Wanda.** _**Coming in and shaking everything loose; sifting through her memories and deepest thoughts.**_

But the forceful trip down memory lane had worked more than either of them knew at the time. It reminded Y/N of feeling. Feeling anything.

Y/N had realized her pain had her repressing everything; subconsciously thinking it was better to feel nothing at all, bit by bit. Each time something happened was like breathing too deep on a cold night. Sharp, cold, biting at everything inside like it’s only goal was cause pain and remind you of pain you already held.

So each time she was forced to breathe in another lungful of freezing air something inside reached out to numb those nerve endings. No pain, but no anything else either.

When she had realized her healing factor was still alive and well inside her, it was another stab. Deep into the layer of dead nerve endings and right to her core, and Y/N had lost it. But with the medication and all the time to think, the dead nerves persevered and pushed everything back down again.

**Then came Wanda.**

The red glow brought pain, in her soul, first. But then she went through all the things she missed.

Bucky? Yes, of course. But everyone else too. Her friends, her life. Her family. Herself.

So, when the group lead nodded to the young man who had finished his tale on how he got here and looked to the group to see if anyone else wanted to go before they called it a night; Y/N tentatively raised her hand.

_Every journey begins with the first step._


	17. Never Enough: When I'm Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is finally told the truth.

So this is it I say goodbye

To this chapter of my ever-changing life

And there's mistakes

The path is long

And I'm sure I'll answer for them when I'm gone

So when the day comes in

The sun won't touch my face

Tell the ones who cared enough

That I finally left this place Its been so cold

Look at my face

All the stories it will tell I can't erase

The road is long Just one more song

A little something to remind you when I'm gone

When I'm gone

The road to hell

Along the way

Is paved with good intentions so they say

And some believe

That no good deed will go unpunished in the end or so it seems

So when the day comes

And the sun won't touch my face

Tell the ones who cared enough

That I've finally left this place

♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫

Time was irrelevant to Bucky while he was swamped in his own thoughts. Working with Dr. Flechling had brightened most days, but she had told him everyday couldn’t be full of light.

_“There has always been rainy days, and there will always be rainy days. Days we feel like darkness inside and out will consume every last ember we have, but those are the days we must fortify ourselves and remember dark and light are two sides to a coin. And that coin is us. You can’t push something away because you’re scared or sad, you must accept it; you may not be able to beat it, but you can meet it.”_

Crunching leaves and breaking twigs alerted Bucky to Steve’s incoming presence and he rolled his eyes with a light smile. Like him, Steve was adept at surveying and approaching without any noticeable sound, but he let him know anyway. A small show of care and friendship that Bucky would never take for granted.

“Hey Pal,” Steve started as he stepped into the small clearing where Bucky knelt. Folding one leg after the other he seated himself cross legged in front of his brunette friend. “Looked like you were thinking hard there. . .”

Steve was worried Bucky may have still been a bit angry, but realized that wasn’t the case as Buck met his eyes with a sigh; legs sliding out in a v-formation while the back of his head lightly touched the tree behind him. “Hey trouble.” At Steve’s raised eyebrows he continued, “I’m fine. Better anyway. Mostly just felt guilty, and got lost in what the doc would say.”

“Can’t beat it, but you can meet it,” Steve nodded with a faint chuckle. “I know you were upset, and what I had to tell you wouldn’t have made things much better, but now. . . Now there is something else I have to say too.”

With the emphasis on the word “now” Bucky thought he knew where this was going so he lowered his head to feign disinterest while he picked at the grass near his twitching right hand. “Start with what you were gonna say at the bar then.”

“Well-” Steve broke off with something between a grimace and a smile. “They both center around the same thing. Same person.”

Bucky switched to yanking grass out of the ground with his left hand; a little more edge to his movements, “Y/N.”

“Y/N,” the blond nodded in agreement. “Well, just say it. She not doing well at that hospital,” he was trying so hard to seem like he could not possibly care less, but both men knew it was a bold faced lie. “Noticed the witch wasn’t home. She go to see her?”

Steve took a deep breath and dived in, “Yes and yes. The thing I was going to tell you, I found out when I went to see her yesterday. Wanda kinda read it. Said I was thinking too loud. We both agreed you needed to know, and she went up to see Y/N and finally get the full picture. Neither of us- We didn’t know-”

“Just spit it out Kid.”

“She never cheated on you. The dark haired, green-eyed, tattooed man was all made up. Dimitri back there? Pure coincidence.” Steve plowed on. “Apparently something happened with the Doctor Brantsted at the compound before that day. Y/N- She’d done some testing and found out. . .” Dear God, Steve thought, This is harder than I thought it would be.

“She didn’t- Never- Testing?” Bucky started as he whipped his head back up, feigned indifference forgotten, “Testing for what?"

“I don’t have all the details,” explained Captain America, “All I know from the paperwork and what Wanda read from her at the hospital is that the doc said she couldn’t and would never be able to have kids Buck. Wanda text, said Y/N made that story up to ‘set you free’.” He finished his explanation with hands raised for finger quotes.

“Set me free?!” Bucky raged as he jumped to his feet. “I want to see her. **Now**.”

This is where Steve figured it would go, and forced himself to stick to what he knew was best as he shook his head, “No.”

“No,” bellowed the quickly angered ex-assassin; that short fuse again. “The fuck you mean-”

Steve cut him off, “Despite everything. Regardless of the ‘whys’ or ‘hows’. The best place for Y/N is that hospital; for now. She still has healing to do, and it has barely started. I went up because she did something. . . Terrible to herself. But her healing factor kicked back in, so we think it may be a sign her powers will come back too. Hopefully, Wanda’s visit helped and Y/N will start to get better. Then she can come home.”

Bucky unclenched his fist as pieces of grass fell to the forest floor and sighed with a nod, “Home.”


	18. Never Enough: Head Above Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N finally spills everything.

_I've gotta keep the calm before the storm I don't want less, I don't want more_

_Must bar the windows and the doors_

_To keep me safe, to keep me warm_

_Yeah, my life is what I'm fighting for_

_Can't part the sea, can't reach the shore_

_And my voice becomes the driving force I won't let this pull me overboard_

_God, keep my head above water_

_Don't let me drown, it gets harder I'll meet you there at the altar_

_As I fall down to my knees_

_Don't let me drown, drown, drown_

_Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me drown_

_So pull me up from down below_

_'Cause I'm underneath the undertow_

_Come dry me off and hold me close I need you now, I need you most_

_God, keep my head above water_

_Don't let me drown, it gets harder I'll meet you there at the altar_

_As I fall down to my knees_

_Don't let me drown, drown, drown_

_Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me drown_

_Don't let me drown, drown, drown Keep my head above water, above water_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫_

Back at the hospital all eyes were on Y/N with her raised hand slowly drooping closer to her face. Despite how everyone was deep in their own shit, all of the group members knew Y/N didn’t talk. _**Ever**_.

The group lead, Shawn, coughed lightly and said, “Well, look at that. Go ahead Y/N what do you have to share with the group?”

_Deep breaths Y/N. Deep breaths._

“Uhm. Well, for those that didn’t- Couldn’t tell; I’m Y/N and I was part of the Avengers before I lost my powers.” With that small introduction all eyes grew wide around her as the rest of the group leaned in to catch all of the story in avid fascination. And the floodgates opened.

“Yeah, I was an Avenger because of my powers. Powers brought to the light by the organization, Hydra. But what brought me here was something else. Emotions I’ve had my whole life, and being a ‘hero’ didn’t make everything better like people assume.”

This sentiment brought nods from the whole group with furrowed brows. Each thinking of time someone thought something similar about them.

_**“It’s such a nice day, why are you still sad?”** _

_**“C’mon it wasn’t that bad, buck up.”** _

_**“Things have really been looking up lately, huh? Why ya so down?”** _

_**“That was forever ago; don’t you think it’s time to get over it?”** _

_**“God, you can eat now. You’re looking like a skeleton. Enough dieting right?”** _

_**“Nothing even happened, you have it so good. Why are you acting like this?”** _

_**“Cutting is only hurting yourself, and it doesn’t look good. Not like that would kill you, so it is about attention?”** _

_**“Why are you still ‘sick’?”** _

Time after time. Person after person. Each member of the group, Shawn included, knew the absolute blow to the gut. Questioning and picking apart something that was just a part of you. Demanding reasons for something you didn’t even understand. **If you didn’t, couldn’t grasp it; why should they get an answer?**

Feeling the hum of recognition and comadre Y/N went on. “When I was younger I was very sick.” _Later, Captain America and Dr. Banner would explain that her doctor’s visits, tests and blood work is what led Hydra to capture her for testing in the first place. _“Sick, like doctors and machines and tests. Medicine and the issues themselves made me a likely candidate for all kinds of other future problems like cancer and infertility, but those were problems for future, not-sick me.” Y/N took a deep breath. “Being away from other children and growing up without any control made me an avid student. Like that would keep me breathing. Slowly, I started to get better. I could do things I hadn’t been able to do before, and it was like I’d never been sick to everyone else. To me though, I was losing a battle with myself. What was I now? All those future-me problems were on me and I had done nothing to prepare.”

Everyone was still listening in avid shock. This, obviously, was more than they knew Y/N could even speak.

“Then, as I was getting my bearings, Hydra took the initiative to swoop in and take me. They were doing tests on various people with a certain genetic anomaly, and I suppose that included me. These ‘tests’ were torture. I learned much later that the things they did were considered war crimes. Beatings, intrusive surgeries, all kinds of things,” tears were brimming now, but if she started Y/N wasn’t sure she could stop. “Finally, what worked on me was electroshock ‘therapy’. I don’t know the voltage, but by the third round I had felt something replace the pain surging through me, and I just shot all the pent up energy back into the room. I killed my first people that day, and found out I was not made for killing people. Mentally.”

Shawn slowly gripped his scrub pants as he sighed out, “Wow, Y/N that is. . . A lot and we-”

“No. Please, I’m not done and I need to get it all out or I don’t think I will.” begged Y/N.

At his nod Y/N plowed on, “Then I was rescued by Steve, Captain America. And the Avengers. In the time I had been taken my mom passed away and my dad had a stroke resulting in and extremely quick onset of dementia. He would go too; a year after I joined the Avengers. But then, the Avengers would be my family especially when Bucky- The Winter Soldier joined us and we became a, uh, thing.”

Y/N took a breath to steel herself for the last bit, “The darkness, ya know” she gesticulated and everyone gave an agreeing motion. “We helped each other with it, but it was never gone. Eventually, little things piled up, and big things from the past came ‘round. I heard him say he wanted kids, so I wanted kids, but found out I- I can’t.” This brought a choked sob that Y/N swallowed and pushed on. “So, little nothing me, who couldn’t do anything right, was again in the darkness. And it was too strong. I didn’t want my family, Bucky most of all, to be swept up in it. So, I told him I cheated so he would hate me, and they all ended up hating me I think.”

_Last bit Y/N. Let’s go._

“Then I was in New York, and I nearly killed someone again. My powers were off, and I was lost. I was going to end it when Captain America saved the day again; not without loss or injury though. When I woke up I was back where I started, the complex we lived in, and I was powerless in more ways than one. Quickly, everything faded. Emotions, thoughts, any drive to be at all. So, I came here, and I’m sure everyone kinda knows what happened. . .”

Y/N thought she was finished when a mousy young girl leaned forward, “So, how come you came now?”

“A friend, Scarlet Witch, came to see me, and made me remember what it was like to feel. To want.”

“That’s a good lead for our last bit of discussion today Y/N,” Shawn broke in. “What is it we want. What do you want from this? Group? The time you spend here? Where will it take you, everyone.”

Y/N thought for a second while faces faded in and out of her thoughts; Steve, Wanda, Bruce, Nat- Everyone. Eventually settling on Bucky with that same light Wanda saw in her mind, and an old familiar warmth spread.

“Home. I want to go home.”


	19. Never Enough: Savior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things get better, others? Not so much.

_It kills me not to know this_

_But I've all but just forgotten_

_But the color of her eyes were_

_And her scars or how she got them_

_As the telling signs of age rain down_

_A single tear is droppin'_

_Through the valleys of an aging face_

_That this world has forgotten_

_There is no reconciliation_

_That will put me in my place_

_And there is no time like the present_

_To drink these draining seconds_

_But seldom do these words ring true_

_When I'm constantly failing you_

_Like walls that we just can't break through_

_Until we disappear_

_So tell me now If this ain't love_

_Then how do we get out?_

_'Cause I don't know_

_That's when she said "I don't hate you, boy, I just want to save you While there's still something left to save"_

_That's when I told her "I love you, girl, but I'm not the answer For the questions that you still have"_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫_

It was a few months later and Y/N was doing well. She was scheduled to go home within the week, if everything went well.

But currently, she was back in group.

“So, we have a few people rejoining the real world in the next couple days,” Shawn posed it as a question, but had a bright smile that mirrored three lighter smiles as he looked around the circle of patients. “Chloe, Pat and Y/N, looks like our time is almost up. What are your plans?”

The smaller, mousy-haired girl wrung her fingers together as she tried to gather her thoughts, “Uhm, my foster parents are gonna come pick me up tomorrow. I really thought they wouldn’t want me after what I did. To them. To myself. That’s why I kept dragging my feet about trying to get well.” Young Chloe was actively crying now with soft sobs interrupting her answer to Shawn’s question. “But-But they came to tell me- Tell me I was getting out in a week, and they were so proud of all the work I- we’ve done. So, I’m going back with them and gonna keep working on things we did here.”

There was a light round of claps from everyone. Then Shawn turned his gaze to Pat.

The shaved-headed man ran his hands over his tattoo covered forearms and gave a light cough to clear his throat, “As everyone kinda knows, this was my third time here. Hopefully, my last. I’m getting out just in time for my-” Pat’s eyes slid over to Y/N but she only nodded in encouragement. She knew. They all had congratulated him. “-baby. Lorraine is looking ready to pop, but we still have a couple weeks for me to show I’m ready after I leave on Friday. My only plan is to keep getting better for her. For them.”

**_Now everyone was a little teary._ **

When Pat had come in, he was second in not participating, right behind Y/N. His anger had been a particular issue with a few other members of group in his early days here. Since he’d been here before, and knew the drill, he wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything. He’d come such a long way. “Great. Great to hear Pat.”

To Y/N it felt like she all eyes shifted to her right away, and she thought back to the day before, when Steve and Wanda had come to tell her the news.

\--------------------------

> _// “Wan, Steve. Hey guys.” Y/N said in surprise. The orderly said she had someone here, but she wasn’t expecting both to come at once. “Where’s Buck- Everyone?” She asked as she rubbed the back of her neck._
> 
> _“Bucky, Nat and Sam went on a mission. Another Hydra base popped up, apparently their namesake is more than true these days. Just can’t quite get rid of them.” Steve explained._
> 
> _“Yes, but they should be back within the week. Just in time-” Wanda butt in, but stopped short when Steve gave her a look. She was getting ahead of herself, and looked down in a flustered smile._
> 
> _“What’s in a week guys?” asked Y/N, honestly confused._
> 
> _“Well, Doc talked with your caretakers here, and they all think you’ve made good headway,” Started Steve. “Good enough that we can keep building on it at. . . Home.”_
> 
> _“Home?” Y/N timidly asked with a tint of fear in her eyes._
> 
> _With a sharp nod from Steve, Wanda came back in, “Yes. Home. The compound; with us.”_
> 
> _“If that’s what you want,” Steve tacked on._
> 
> _Y/N’s timid smile widened as she vigorously nodded her head, “Yes. I want to come home.” //_

\--------------------------

The group, in their circle, smiled with Y/N’s recount of the superheroes coming and telling her the news; all a little proud to see her actual smile.

“That is great Y/N,” Shawn cut into the light cheering and congratulations. Not only was she doing well, and getting to leave, but she would go back to those who loved her. Not everyone left and went somewhere better than where they came for, but they were all happy for ex-hero. “So, you will keep up on our skills and methods we’ve worked on here?”

“Yes. I will. For me; for my family.”

\------------------------------------------

Two days later, Y/N was sitting in the back of Steve’s truck with Wanda. Singing, talking and catching up. _Not everything would be perfect or how it was before, but they were all going to try_.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Thousands of miles away Nat, Sam and Bucky were caught up in a firefight. They had infiltrated the base, and now they needed to subdue a few extra agents to have them ready for imprisonment.

All three stumbled into a lab room, and immediately were set on edge. There was no one here.

Bucky stomped forward towards a desk with paperwork and files strewn around, and one caught his eye; a file with Y/N’s name. Quickly, he flipped the yellowing folder open and saw images of Y/N before he knew her. Before her enhancement; crouching in the corner of a cell, covered in bruises. He winced tightly and continued on as Nat and Sam finished scoping out the room and walked to him.

Next were papers on her enhancement, what it took to get the powers, blood and DNA testing, and a stack of newspaper clippings. On the last paper was a newspaper clipping asking where Y/N was, claims of her being powerless, being in a mental institution; all paper-clipped to a printed sheet with numbers and such and blocked letters saying **‘TERMINATE’**.

“Y/N-” Bucky breathed out.

Then chaos as explosions were heard all around the building.

_**They hadn’t cared if the heroes saw their plans for Y/N because they had no intentions of letting him live, let alone leave.** _


	20. Never Enough: Bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will shit ever stop hitting the fan? Asking for a friend...

_Down under the night sky_

_I lay and wait_

_Praying to whoever_

_Will listen to me_

_I founded my own cross_

_Been clutched by its weight_

_There's no darker message_

_Than turning your face_

_I'll see you down the end of the road_

_I deal in a different story_

_Oh, I will never let go again_

_I feel it in my bones (bones)_

_Bones (bones) I feel it in my bones (bones) Bones (bones)_

_I'll do this on my own_

_Oh oh oh oh bones bones oh_

_When thin spirit swelling_

_My poor flesh is always weak_

_I found everything I needed_

_Right beneath my skin, oh I'll see you down the end of the road_

_I deal in a different story_

_Oh, I will never let go again_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫_

**Back in New York state, Steve, Wanda and Y/N were none the wiser to the crisis their teammates were in.**

_‘Since the other three weren’t scheduled to be back until tomorrow there was no reason to worry,’_ Steve thought; convincing himself while thinking back on the day before when the mission request was sent in. _‘Typically we’d check in while away on a mission, but they didn't know I was picking Y/N up.’_

> **_//”I don’t want to go on this one,” Bucky said while Sam nodded and Natasha’s fingers tapped her sides where her hands held her hips in a stance of feigned nonchalance. “You are getting Y/N and I want to be here.”_ **
> 
> **_“Only two can go to get her anyway Buck,” explained Steve. “And Wanda and I have been there a few times already. You’re scheduled out for today and tomorrow; to come back the night after she gets here. It’ll give her time to breathe a bit, this is gonna be hard enough pal.”_ **
> 
> **_The three heroes wanted to object further, but the look in Steve’s eyes said there was no room for compromise._ **
> 
> **_So, with that, Bucky gave a rough exhale through his nose and nodded. Then the tree were in the jet and on their way.//_ **

The memory faded out as the light giggles and whispers were heard from the back of the truck, and Steve smiled brightly. A couple more hours, and they would be home. Then tomorrow would be the hard part.

** How was Captain America to know the hard part was coming much quicker than any of them would have anticipated? **

\--------------------------------------------------

In the collapsed base, thousands of miles away, there was the sounds of crashing, rustling and three people coughing harshly. But very much alive.

The simultaneous explosions were meant to bury them, if not kill them. But they severely underestimated the abilities of the Avengers. Hydra had done their research, sure; knowing these three were the most ‘human’ of the team. _Without godlike powers or mind reading or super speed they should be easy to take out._

But everyone on the Avengers’ team was well aware of their abilities and lack thereof when compared to one another as well. As such, the more mortal of the team worked that much harder to lessen the gap between themselves and their super-god-enhanced team members.

When the explosions first started, all three knew what had been planned for them.

Crouching under the thick metal desk, and reinforcing the support with Bucky’s arm and Sam’s titanium wings. Once the initial chaos stopped, it wasn’t that hard, with Natasha’s flexibility, to un-bury herself, scan the rubble for any precarious pieces, and move enough debris for Bucky to punch his and Sam’s way out of their imprisonment.

Hydra wasn’t known for not having backup upon backup plans. That being said, the parts they took from the jet were easy enough to fix with spares. Tony was always prepared for something like this. ' _The enemy would have been better off destroying the whole damn plane_.' Bucky wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth though, “Hurry. We have to get back to base. They’re after Y/N.”

\------------------------------------------

For hours Steve had heard giggling, whispers and singing along to the radio before the two in back fell asleep.

Looking back at the two young women cuddled close together and Y/N slightly drooling, Steve smiled with eyes beginning to mist. _‘We will do more normal things Y/N. All of us. Together.’_

But now was time to wake them since the truck had pulled through the outer gate; they would be there in about five minutes.

“Y/N, Wanda,” called Steve in a louder tone when the gentle coaxing hadn’t worked. Both women shot up; sleep still settled in their eyes. “We’re almost there.”

\------------------------------------

Now Y/N was a bit more nervous. Sure Sam, Natasha and. . . **_Bucky_ **wouldn’t be in until late tomorrow, but it had been so long.

Steve parked the car as he looked in the rear view mirror again to check on Y/N. The young woman was staring out the side window, gazing at the building that was once her home. But, to her, that felt like a lifetime ago. She got out of the left hand side after Steve and Wanda, and the super soldier seemed tense; looking up.

The two women looked up as well to see the near silent jet. A streak of black and silver with wings was swooping down as a faint whistling noise gave way to a dark-haired man quickly descending down a rope from the jet to land in a crouch with a solid thud. Y/N was frozen in place to see her old teammates. _**Her. . . Bucky**_.

“Y/N,” he said in a breathy, relieved voice as he stood from his crouch and made eye contact.

Bucky’s lips were slightly drawn up to smile, and they both seemed pulled to one another as they both took a simultaneous step forward-

**BOOM.**

The sudden explosion landed between them. The two old lovers were flown apart as wide eyes made contact again, and mouths were open in screams of each other’s names. Calls they couldn’t hear over the sudden burst of explosions and firing shots as Hydra agents swarmed the base; intent clear.

_Kill whoever. **Terminate Y/N.**_


	21. Never Enough: Far Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Writing action, especially how I see it in my head, is HARD. hah Hope this turned out okay and understandable for everyone!

_This time, this place misused, mistakes_

_Too long, too late, who was I to make you wait?_

_Just one chance, just one breath_

_Just in case there's just one left '_

_Cause you know, you know, you know_

_That I love you, I have loved you all along and I miss you_

_Been far away for far too long I_

_keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go_

_Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore_

_On my knees I'll ask, "Last chance for one last dance?" '_

_Cause with you, I'd withstand_

_All of hell to hold your hand I'd give it all I'd give for us_

_Give anything, but I won't give up '_

_Cause you know you know, you know_

_That I love you, I have loved you all along and I miss you_

_Been far away for far too long_

_I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go_

_Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore_

_So far away, so far away_

_Been far away for far too long_

_So far away, so far away_

_B_ _een far away for far too long_

_But you know, you know, you know I wanted, I wanted you to stay_

_'Cause I needed, I need to hear you say_

_That I love you (I love you),_

_I_ _have loved you all along_

_And I forgive you (and I forgive you), for being away for far too long_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫_

Bucky was blown back near the treeline while Y/N was rocketed into the truck’s windshield.

_**Thank God for healing factors.** _

As much as the brunette super soldier wanted to run to Y/N he knew she was safe on the other side of the large wall of fire. Safe because Steve was there, but he took a second to hope his old friend realized why these Hydra agents were here. Then with a 'whirr' from his vibranium arm, Bucky shot into the fight on his side.

\------------------------------------------

On the farther side of the bright flames Y/N vision was a little black at the edges, but she could feel the skin rushing to knit itself back together. She may have been out of the count for a hot minute, but she could try to hold her own until they figured out what the hell was happening. Until she could get to Bucky.

At least she thought she could.

But it seemed there was something specific these monsters were after as they kept coming from the dark forest, and right for them? ' _No one will not be taken again'_.

However, she soon realized they had no intention of taking her anywhere as multiple soldiers took shots at her. Most missed completely due to their running speeds, but two made painful contact; a shot to her right front chest and shoulder area and through-and-through in her upper left thigh. Leaving it to her healing factor, Y/N didn’t worry too much and darted back behind the truck, reaching into the console to find a small pistol.

She was none the wiser to a static sound as a small whip of electricity flowed under her skin and over the wound as it healed.

\----------------------------------------

Steve had seen Y/N and Buck blown away from one another, but lost track of the younger woman while Natasha was raining fire from the jet in hovering above the trees. He heard a sharp scream, and turned his head to see Y/N turning her back from approaching soldiers popping off shots as they ran. She was going to the truck for a weapon, he surmised and flung his shield to give her some cover and a brief second to breathe.

The famous red, white and blue shield flew through the open area taking out multiple men and their guns before it defied the laws of physics and curved up to return to Steve.

With a split second to think reached into his pocket for the small box with a black earpiece inside. Pressing his thumbprint into the side, a beep sounded and then he was bombarded with overlapping voices from Bucky, Natasha and Sam.

Knowing the other two women didn’t have their’s, he looked into the sky and saw a faint red outline above the flames and knew it was Wanda, and double checked behind him for Y/N as he commanded a mission report. _What were they doing here? How did they even find the place?_

It was Sam’s voice that broke through the sounds of fists making contact with flesh and rounds being fired off, “Y/N-” a faint crackle interrupted him. “They’re here for Y/N. Gonna-- Take-- Out.”

That was when the Cap felt what could only be assumed to be a rocket launcher, make contact with his abdomen and flew back through the compound walls. Faintly he heard Tony’s voice through the comm; saying they were on their way.

But Steve knew they wouldn’t make it, it was **now or never.**

\--------------------------------

Seeing Steve get blasted through two concrete and metal walls wasn’t something entirely new to Bucky or the rest of the team. _**He could take it**_.

But Steve had been Y/N’s only defense on that side of the growing flames and overbearing smoke. So, the decision wasn’t all too hard for the Winter Soldier as he flung himself into the blazing heat to get to Y/N.

\-------------------------------------

The soldier who had launched a near missile at Captain America was ready for the second super soldier and fired another right into him.

With the blond and brunette out, the soldiers who had kept to the shadows flooded in. They had seen Y/N’s healing factor, but their intel said she was powerless; enough firepower to overhaul her healing and she would die.

_Just like anyone else._

\-----------------------------------

Y/N, through all of this, didn’t know why the Hydra agents and soldiers were at the compound.

She thought to herself, ‘ _Bucky, Sam and Natasha went to one of their bases. Now they’re here. Why though?’_ When she saw Bucky blasted through the compound walls next to the massive hole Steve’s body had already made, Y/N came to the only conclusion she could. _‘They are after him. Bucky.’_ This revelation snapped the woman into action as more Hydra swarmed down on them. To Y/N they were heading for Bucky, looks intent on death; murder.

“No!” she screamed at a near sonic decibel, running to meet almost certain death as she put herself between the enemy and they ones, one she loved.


	22. Never Enough: The Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are a changing.

_They say freak_

_When you're singled out The red_

_Well it filters through So lay down_

_The threat is real When his sight_

_Goes red again Seeing red again_

_Seeing red again This change_

_He won't contain Slip away_

_To clear your mind When asked_

_Who made it show (who made it show)_

_The truth He gives into most_

_So lay down The threat is real_

_When his sight Goes red again_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫_

**People throughout history have remarked on courage or bravery being a trait of people who know the odds aren’t in their favor, but they do what needs to be done (usually for others) anyway**.

That’s what Y/N wanted to be, to be seen as. Brave. Finally. Not a faux version of bravery where she hurts herself and others with a lack of communication or action and lets everyone suffer ‘because it’s what’s best’. No; true bravery where Y/N can step up and protect the ones - one- she loves. She may be weaker than her enhanced state, but she still had her healing and she would use every last bit of it to keep her family safe.

Simultaneously, behind her Bucky was shaking rubble out of his longer tresses and saw Y/N running in front of himself and Steve, objective clear. And he thought it was ridiculously stupid and reckless. “Y/N!,” his hoarse voice called out to try and urge her away from her plan. He was a super soldier damnit.

Bucky immediately regret his decision to yell out at her as she looked back at him; looking at him like she used to, when she loved him, and was subsequently shot in the gut right above her left hip.

Her scream wrecked Bucky, but it quickly turned into a snarl as she looked to the approaching Hydra soldiers, “You can’t take anyone! You can’t have him.”

‘ _She thinks they are here for me- To bring the Winter Soldier back_ ’. . . Bucky realized with a burning feeling around his heart, like holding a hot mug of tea in both hands. Lost in his thoughts of Y/N, their past together and how she wasn’t giving up on him, Bucky was rocked out of his own head by another scream being strangled down while blood shot from her no kneeling body. Quickly, Bucky began to rise to his own feet to get to her; to keep her safe.

Like Y/N could sense him, which thinking about it she probably could, she rose her hand in a stopping motion behind her. The adamant stance froze the brunet in his half risen state. Y/N brought her hand back in front of her, and looked at both palms with furrowed brows, seemingly forgetting all about the rushing enemy forces. ' _I could feel him getting up. Sense his movements-'_ Y/N flashed back to their first real conversation.

> _**// As she looked up at him and noted his surprise at not startling her she continued, “I could feel someone coming. As you got to the door I could tell it was you.”** _
> 
> _**“** _ _**How? I’ve been told I’m ‘Too silent for mine and everyone’s good.’”** _
> 
> _**That brought a snort as Y/N questioned, “Sam?” At Bucky’s nod she decided to fill him in, “My enhancement has to do with electricity. I’m still pretty fresh on learning about it, but everyone has their own little charge. Then there’s you, Tony and Banner. The arm, the reactor and the gamma register differently to me. So, no sneaking for you sergeant.”** _
> 
> _**The last bit was said with a smirk that disappeared behind the star covered coffee mug as Y/N took a big drink of her tea.** _
> 
> _**Then their eyes met again as she pat the couch and turned on the t.v. “Always room, Buck.” //** _

Realization shot through her as she recognized the buzzing feeling beneath her skin; the adrenaline of the fight had distracted her, but she’d remember that feeling always. Y/N focused harder on her hands and saw a dim flickering, like the small shocks when you pull off a sweater in the cold, dry winter.

Like popping ears, all the sounds around Y/N came flooding back and another shot made its mark in her right bicep, through-and-through. With that, it was the tipping point for her base instincts of fight or flight to kick back in. They chose fight.

Sharper crackling came from her palm that held the wound to help it close and heal, but before it closed completely Y/N saw the white electric branching under her skin and over the wound.

New resolve filled her as she put her focus into her hands. Bright, white light arced from palm to palm like tossing a softball back and forth, then with curved fingers Y/N shot electricity at the first few incoming Hydra. With a split second to think of a viable plan she looked behind her to a still frozen Bucky, “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.”

Then she took a standing vertical jump with palms up, pulling electric currents from the compound, the vehicles and frying all electronics. On her descent, Y/N flipped her palms facing down to land in a sumo squat and slam her open palms into the ground. The reaction was instantaneous; a rippling of the ground as it was torn up by the pure power, knocking soldiers to the ground and frying them into incapacitation. The arc of Y/N’s fingers gave a clear path in front and around her for the energy to go, which avoided her friends behind her, and the grounded attack avoided hitting those in the sky.

Not caring if he would get too close, Bucky had finally shot up to race towards Y/N while everyone’s eyes were blown wide at the unprecedented show of power.

By the time he made it to her, Y/N had slowly stood and begun to turn towards him. She smiled lightly as she met his eyes with a whisper of “Buck-” before her eyes promptly rolled back and she dropped like a puppet with it’s strings cut. Like a flash, Bucky lunged out and caught her.

Cradling her to his chest with one hand supporting her neck and head, and the other under her knees he heaved her up to rush to med bay, “Don’t worry, **I’ve** got you.”


	23. Never Enough: Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What will become of Y/N after that massive use of power??

_I'm staring out into the night_

_T_ _rying to hide the pain_

_I'm going to the place where love_

_And feeling good don't ever cost a thing_

_And the pain you feel is a different kind of pain_

_I'm going home_

_Back to the place where I belong_

_And where your love has always been enough for me_

_I_ _'m not running from_

_No, I think you got me all wrong_

_I don't regret this life I chose for me_

_But these places and these faces are getting old_

_So I'm going home_

_Well, I'm going home_

_The miles are getting longer it seems_

_The closer I get to you_

_I've not always been the best man or friend for you_

_But your love remains true_

_And I don't know why_

_You always seem to give me another try_

_So I'm going home_

_Back to the place where I belong_

_And where your love has always been enough for me_

_I'm not running from_

_No, I think you got me all wrong_

_I don't regret this life I chose for me_

_♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫_

Slowly, Y/N blinked heavy eyelids as soft light from the sunset outside filtered into the room and over the white sheets of the bed she found herself in. A quick scan of the room, and Y/N knew she was in the med bay. To her left, Wanda was curled up in a chair with her knees drawn to her chest, looking like a small child.

‘ _This is peaceful_ ,’ Y/N thought right as Wanda let out whining sound followed by a curt snore, and Y/N snorted into her hand. The sharp sound of the snort shattered the quiet as Wanda shot up to a full sitting position, eyes wide.

“Y/N! You’re up!”

“Yeah, not too shabby. Surprised you didn’t wake up hearing all my thoughts racing, huh.” Y/N said while rubbing the back of her neck with the hand not connected to the I.V. The oxygen monitor on her finger poked into a tender spot, and she winced.

“Y/N,” Wanda started like she was broaching around something, but hurried on with Y/N’s knit brows. “I can’t.”

The first thing that popped into Y/N’s head was the Scarlet Witch had somehow **lost her powers too** -

The wide eyes gave away Y/N’s train of thought and Wanda interrupted, “No. Y/N. I can’t read you. Your power- Ya know?”

Somehow, Y/N’s eyes grew larger again, “My powers? But-”

“Do you not remember using them?”

“No, I remember. I- I just.” Y/N paused to take a deep breath. “Once I realized they were coming back, I knew I had to keep him- Keep everyone safe. I just figured-”

“You thought you’d lose them again after what happened the last time. . .” Wanda surmised with a light nod. “Overexertion.”

Y/N nodded quickly then looked down at her hands wringing in her lap, realizing she had more scarring. Like her face, her hands now had a white branching pattern coming from each finger on both hands and up her arm about half way.

“Y/N, you thought you’d lose them again. Maybe for good,” tears filled Wanda’s eyes. “And you did it anyway?”

“Of course,” sighed Y/N. “And I’d do it again. I’ve hurt everyone. You all. Myself. Him- I won’t let anything happen again. Not if I can give everything I have to stop it.”

Neither woman had noticed the door open, but did notice the sound of footsteps and the door clicking closed.

There they were, the team. Her family, save for one very important person. They had heard everything, and the looks they gave Y/N said it all. There was nothing to forgive, and they were happy she was home.

Looking up at Steve with big, teary eyes Y/N held her arms out and the large super soldier rushed forward to hug her. As he let go and put his hand on the top of her head while the other was still on her shoulder, proud of her, Y/N asked, “Where is he, Steve?”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Steve had told Y/N over the months she had been in the hospital before Steve and Wanda came to get her, Bucky had made something of a personal escape space on the roof. He had cushions and books along with a small garden he tended to himself.

The minimalist part of it reminded him of his time in Wakanda, and brought a calmness to his soul.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

Instead of worrying himself to death after the Hydra attack, Bucky had been up in his space for the days Y/N was out. Her wounds had healed, and all everyone could do was wait.

But he couldn’t wait there in that sterile, too-white room. All it brought were memories and bad thoughts. ‘ _Had she looked like that when Steve brought her in? After she tried to- When I wasn’t there_.’

So he opted to wait the days out tending to his small garden, and pretend waiting didn’t kill him inside; little by little.

\-----------------------------------------------------

As soon as Y/N knew where he was, she was doing the most cliche thing. Ripping out the I.V., and pushing past people.

“I’m healed, right?” she urged when Steve stood in front of her. “I was just here because I was out cold. I will come back for them to look me over. Promise.”

Steve was still silent, seemingly in contemplation.

“Steven. I need to talk to him.” And that’s all it took. The famous super soldier stepped aside with a bowed head and Y/N briskly walked from the room, trying to keep from sprinting and getting told to come back.

Once she got to the end of the hall and stepped into the elevator Y/N called out, “F.R.I.D.A.Y. Roof! . . . Please.”

“Of course Miss L/N.”

\--------------------------------------------------------

Bucky was there on the roof, reclined on some cushions, pretending to himself that he was reading the book in his hands.

In reality, he hadn’t absorbed any of the words and kept zoning out thoughts flickering from one thought to another. He was brought back to the here and now when he heard a ‘ding’ and the ‘whoosh’ of the elevator doors opening. The brunet looked over and sucked in a breath while his heart seemed to stutter.

“Y/N-” he said so lightly you wouldn’t think anyone would’ve been able to hear it.

But Y/N saw his mouth move, and the familiar shape of name. Her own heart sped up while tears gathered, and overflowed with a slightly louder whisper of, “Bucky. . .” _Home_.

Like lightning, the ex-assassin was on his feet and rushing towards Y/N who finally gave up on not trying to sprint herself.

_**Home.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there will still be things to discuss between our two. But, my question for the readers is the extent? I would like to cut my teeth on some light NSFW, but I don’t want to undercut the story. Let me know what you think.


	24. Never Enough: I Don't Want to Miss A Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one has a lil smut. If that isn't your bag then... Sorry?

_**I could stay awake just to hear you breathing** _

_**Watch you smile while you are sleeping** _

_**While you're far away and dreaming** _

_**I could spend my life in this sweet surrender** _

_**I could stay lost in this moment forever** _

_**Ooh, every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure** _

_**Don't want to close my eyes I don't want to fall asleep** _

_**'Cause I'd miss you, babe** _

_**And I don't want to miss a thing** _

_**'Cause even when I dream of you** _

_**The sweetest dream will never do I'd still miss you, babe** _

_**And I don't want to miss a thing** _

_**Lying close to you feeling your heart beating** _

_**And I'm wondering what you're dreaming** _

_**Wondering if it's me you're seeing** _

_**Then I kiss your eyes** _

_**And thank God we're together** _

_**And I just want to stay with you in this moment forever** _

_**Forever and ever** _

_**♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫🎝♫** _

The two finally met each other after what felt like an eternity, hands raised to hold one another. But it still felt like there was a barrier between them. Bucky saw Y/N swallow back words she obviously needed to say, and knew he would have to take the lead in this. Decision made, he gently took one of her hands in his, noting the fascinating scarring, and led her to the cushions he had been sitting on.

Y/N was grateful Bucky was controlling this, ‘ _What if I say the wrong thing? Does he know everything already? What if it doesn’t matter? What if-_ ’.

“Hey,” Bucky interrupted her blatant spiral with a small quirk of mischief in his eyes as he squeezed her hand in his metal one and lightly tapped her temple with the finger of his flesh hand. “Come back here.”

**Grounding**. He had always been so good at grounding Y/N.

Y/N focused on the chill his metal hand brought in comparison to her own sweating palm, and took a deep breath to meet his eyes. The ocean blue irises held no judgement or condemnation, only a gentle look of concern and a slight apprehension; he didn’t want her to talk if she wasn’t ready. He could wait. ‘ _He’s waited long enough. We both have_ ,’ thought Y/N as she tore her eyes from his gaze, and started playing with his fingers as both hands were holding one of hers.

“Okay,” another deep breath. “I figure Steve told you pretty much everything?” Now it was Bucky’s turn to look away with a small hint of guilt, and that was all the answer she needed. “It’s okay Buck, you deserved someone to tell you. If you could, um, let me just start from the beginning, and get through everything-” Y/N met his eyes again, “Then we can- We can talk about it. All of it.”

Knowing he would have to let her mark the pace of their talk, Bucky nodded thoughtfully, “I’ll try,” he said in a whisper.

Emotions were hard for both of them, and he couldn’t guarantee anything, but he could try. That was the best he could offer right now since the light buzz of his anxiety was already starting in the back of his head.

Y/N knew his concession was the best he could offer, and tilted her head in acceptance and began their story from her side. She told him how she overheard Bucky and Steve talking about white picket fences, marriage and children, and how she had been a little worried after her mess of a childhood. Realizing she had heard that Bucky winced as his guilt hit him again, ‘ _Did I force her to try something she hadn’t even wanted? Just for me?_ ’

However, before he could worry too much, Y/N dove back in about how she wanted children with him, how she loved him. He already knew they had been tentatively trying, but didn’t know how much work Y/N had actually put into it; actively putting all the responsibility and guilt of it not working on her own shoulders.

“I was so- I was destroyed. When the doc said it wasn’t going to be possible,” light tears were brimming in her eyes, and Bucky squeezed her hand reassuringly again. “I knew you wanted kids-”

“Y/N-” he stopped at her pointed look.

“I knew, but I also knew you loved me. At least then.” Y/N brought her hand up to wipe away a fallen tear. “But the darkness inside, I couldn’t know, for absolute, that you would love me years later. You are kind, considerate and care about others to a fault; I knew you would say it’s fine, and maybe it would be, then. But you could, would, come to hate me or at least resent me because you would be stuck with someone broken that couldn’t give you a family.”

Now both of her hands were in her own lap, fingers wringing, and Bucky was barely restraining himself in arguing that it wouldn’t have happened that way. Instead, he carefully lifted a blanket from behind him to put around Y/N’s shoulders, and let her continue. “So, I let you go. I learned in that loony bin, that it was the depression and anxiety talking, but I really thought I would hurt you a little then- And it would save you so much hurt later. Now, I know that was wrong; it was the same thinking that led me to. . .”

They both knew what she was referring to. She had tried to end it. End the then, and end every good thing the future would hold. Luckily, she hadn’t been able to follow through.

The insinuation still made Bucky wince a bit thinking how he hadn’t even known until after she was sent to that hospital.

“Then, at that hospital I- I tried again. But it wasn’t because I wanted to die necessarily. It was anger, feeling cursed to live whether I wanted it or not,” Y/N’s hands were fisted in the blanket now as her brows furrowed, recalling the intense emotion that had faded to nothing. “Eventually, Wanda saved me. I owe her everything. There was no feeling, no emotion inside. I had locked it away to protect myself the way I had thought I protected you, but Wanda set me free. Then, group helped me heal.”

Slowly, Y/N looked back at Bucky’s face with one hand rising to cup his bristled jaw. “When Steve and Wanda were bringing me home, I knew I had a lot to work on still. A lot to fix with everyone, but- More than anything, I wanted to explain everything to you.” Her hand began to slowly fall as she finished, “But I understand if it doesn’t change anything. If- if you hate me. I truly do get it. I did terrible things, and forgiveness is something I have to be given, not something I can demand from you just because I want it.”

Right before her hand could drop back in her lap it was snatched in the both of Bucky’s as he pressed it back to his cheek, “I forgive you, Y/N.” The whispered words were nearly missed as he turned his head a bit to press a kiss into Y/N’s palm. “We will still have so much to talk about. Anger, hurt, confusion. Those were all the things I felt when you were gone, but having you sitting here in front of me when I thought you died so many times, I- Love. Love is all I feel right now, Y/N.”

His words and tone had never been clearer, showing through actions how vulnerable and open and honest he was being. A ‘ _thank you_ ’ for Y/N’s honesty in finally telling him what had happened over the last year and few months.

Y/N’s eyes finally let out every tear she had tried to hold back, choking on a happy sob as she lunged forward to wrap her arms around him. Pressing a kiss into the side of his neck, Bucky stiffened slightly and Y/N paused and pulled back to look at him with apprehension brimming; eyes asking, begging ‘ _Is this okay_?’. The dark haired super soldier answered the unspoken question by reaching his metal hand up to cup the back of Y/N’s head, bringing her face to his and pressing his lips to hers.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was like a cord had snapped. Y/N fully climbed into Bucky’s lap, looking like she was trying to meld her body into his as their lips met more and more forcefully, teeth gnashing.

A fire was growing in each of them and Bucky used his grip on the back of her head to tighten in her hair and tilt her to the side, granting him full access to the column of her neck as he peppered kisses up and down while pulling the blanket from her body.

Once he saw the hospital gown he froze though, and Y/N picked up on it right away.

“I’m fine. Some bruises- Steve wouldn’t have let me come if I was hurt. Please.”

The mention of his best friend had the dominant instinct in him raise it’s head, but deeper inside he was thankful his old pal had looked out for his girl.

Shaking his head lightly to shake out any thoughts of Steve or anyone else, he nodded, “Okay. I got you, doll.” and ran his hands under the gown up Y/N’s thighs as she was sat on his lap, and further up past her rib cage.

The light touching had slight tickle, but was quickly replaced with a fire burning up her side wherever Bucky touched; like electricity was following the path his fingers trailed, culminating in a sharp pulse of pleasure Y/N felt down to her core as he grabbed a handful of her breast. Then the hands were gone from her chest and hair as Bucky quickly untied the couple knots at the top of the hospital gown so it would catch on her hair, and yanked the whole thing over her head. Y/N gave a soft yelp as her completely naked body was exposed to the chilled air, but the sound quickly shifted to a deeper moan when Bucky’s mouth latched on to the opposite breast he had grabbed before.

Feeling a bit over exposed, and grumbling in her head about the unfairness, Y/N put one palm on Bucky’s chest to shove him back as the other gripped the hem of his hunter green henley, pulling up. Understanding, Bucky quickly pulled the shirt over his head while Y/N’s nimble, scarred hands began undoing his pants’ button and zipper. With a light grunt Bucky rose his hips up to shove his pants down.

As soon as they were around his ankles Y/N was back in his lap, wet sex lightly grinding on his clothed erection while she kissed up his chest to his neck. Feeling like a little payback was in order, Y/N reached one hand up to wrap in Bucky’s shaggy, dark hair and gave a sharp tug to pull his head to the side as her kisses and nips trailed up. Slowly, but surely, Y/N sucked a bit behind his ear, the wet muscle flicking out to trace a path from the lobe, over the edge of the shell and back down again to suck on the lobe sensually.

Y/N got exactly as she planned when Bucky rumbled out a deep groan followed by him picking her up under her arms and tossing her over to the side where the other cushions were. He stood and got rid of his boxers and shoved his boots off to remove the rest of his clothing. With his cock in hand, pumping lightly, he looked back over at Y/N to see her just looking at him, one hand down in her own wetness.

“Fuck. Doll,” he groaned then dropped down over her to cage her head with bent arms and give a gentle kiss as his hard length dragged over her wet heat. Rising up a bit to look her in the eyes, he asked one more time, “This okay Y/N?”

The hand not down between her own legs reached to cup his jaw again, “Yes. Please Bucky, love me?”

Heart clenching at the look in her eyes and the words Bucky pressed his forehead to Y/N’s, “Forever.”

With that he pulled back a bit to line up with Y/N’s dripping entrance, and she grabbed him by the shaft to lead him him in. There was a bit of discomfort of Y/N’s part; it had been awhile. But quickly he felt her relax as both her palms pressed into his back motioning him to move, and he did.

Starting gentle and deep, Bucky’s thrusts started to move faster and harder. Y/N wrapped and unwrapped her legs from his waist as she was swallowed up in the pleasure of it all. Then Bucky settled back on his haunches a bit grabbing one of Y/N’s legs and putting it over his shoulder to hit deeper inside, and she gave a higher pitched squeal at feeling his head nudge the bundle of nerves from the inside.

After hitting the same spot multiple times, Y/N’s pussy started to pulse and clench harder making Bucky lose his rhythm slightly. Feeling like they were both getting higher and higher, closer and closer, Bucky dropped the leg he had over his shoulder and moved both his arms up and under hers to reach behind and grab Y/N behind the head with big palms covering her jaw and thumbs on her cheeks to force her gaze to meet his eyes.

Y/N’s pupils were blown wide in pleasure and exertion as one hand reached up to mimic his hold while the other gripped his flesh shoulder, nails digging in.

“Bucky- Bucky I-” Y/N couldn’t get the words out, but he **knew**. Had always known.

Swiping his thumbs up to catch a loose tear of intense ecstasy, Bucky pressed his lips to hers with, “I know, doll. Let it go. I got you, I’ll catch you. Y/N!”

Both bodies gripped harder as one of Y/N’s legs shot out stick straight, both sets of toes curling as the beat before release hit. Then her head flung back, pussy clenching tighter as she came hard. Bucky curled in tighter with one last thrust as his own orgasm plowed through him leaving white spots in his vision from the rush.

Panting and sweaty, both looked to each other with blazing smiles.

“I love you.”

“Mm, I love you too Buck.”

**_There was still a lot to be done, but the pain was starting to heal. They would do it together. They weren’t going to miss a thing._ **


End file.
